Firstly…I’m going to add this disclaimer right now…I honestly have no idea if I have imagined half of the stuff or if I am losing my mind so if this piece seems uncertain or all over the place…it is!

Alright…so I’m going to skip the normal squabble…evade…be an asshole…derail maneuver and get straight to the part that really set me over the edge, despite how well I was doing to stay in control of my self and my reality.

So after about an hour of backhand jabs and blatant disrespect, my suppression attempts resulted in an internal eruption until I was shaking silently while leaking out my eyes at a furious pace… you and I know that it didnt just happen…it was a result of the actual event, the feeling of familiarity and the internal conflict with self because “I” could not understand why I wasn’t protecting myself!

He turned to look at me, mid- insult and dropped his jaw in what was such an exaggerated fashion I thought I would have to click it back in for him, to ask me…

“Are you crying because we are talking about an anime?! This is ridiculous!”

Now hear me out, the fact that he could not fathom that maybe, just maybe he had been a severe dicktitus for the last hour…and maybe that was why I started having a silent panic attack, honestly wasn’t the “wtf” moment for me…it was the acknowledgement that yet again I had let myself show weakness in front of him when it would not only be exploited but also used later on to cause further embarrassment amongst his circle.

What on earth was I doing?! Why was I still sitting with this guy negotiating and explaining that because he doesn’t hit me, does not mean that the emotional abuse is any more alright! It almost feels like he wants me to be grateful!

I remind myself that I love him, but when he turns into this person, I notice that his handsome face is also rather haunting…that the eyes that i love looking into, is so dark and in this moment evil, it scares me! I feel the bones in my body get a chill, and then I remember that moments before that conversation…I had been seriously ill and had just returned from another puke escapade…but here I am…listening to yet another tale of how I just dont do it right.

He needs the fight, and what’s worse is that I knew it would be today! Every year like clockwork…and if I happen to forget the date, he always starts acting odd and even mentioned today that he felt weird. So trust me when I say I was ready, except I will never be fully prepared for the amount of sickness that he can muster up when his devil gene hits!

I get to the point where I’m unsure if he actually said what he said, I’m unsure if I even said what I think I said! I ask for clarity and the Derailment is just unbelievable! I feel like I’m living in the biggest twist of the century! I’m just waiting to be told that I made him up in my head to reconcile the lack of closure from the last perp!

The thing is that he could be helped, he isnt the typical sociopath, he has a diagnosis and unfortunately a very very intelligent brain that works well at hiding the abusive tendencies and patterns and works extra hard at crying about depression because he is unhappy with the good life he leads because he longs for the chaotic one he had.

I know the textbook back to front, so I know that the worst thing that I can do is to start blaming myself or even considering that maybe what I deserve is endless cycles of these relationships and that I am in fact, not enough!

Today marks exactly 14 years that I’ve known him…but it also marks 14 years of delusion!

I dont know if the Derailment is in my head, or if he actively knows how to make my brain dumb….but what I do know is that in this battle of who can outwit who I find myself disliking him so much that I fear if I look at him for too long I may turn to stone as he spits out his venomous words.

I just want a normal life. Yes! I know that I’m the one preventing me from that! Sometimes I don’t want to have to save anything, it would be nice if just for a moment, the world just coexisted with my bubble!

Whichever way you ice this cake, abuse is abuse and just because you escaped one type of abuse does not justify another type!