The year I met my narc, was the year that i finally gave up on my teenage “love”.

I had no idea what grown up love was meant to be like, all I knew was that this man was the sun and the moon and the stars…he made ghosting a thing before it became a thing.

It hurt me for years after, I never stopped thinking about him, more than that, I never stopped wondering why I was not good enough.

I guess it’s easy to pinpoint where that insecurity began. In hindsight, I understand why he did what he did, perhaps I’m just making excuses for him like I do for everyone else, but I do believe that he was protecting me.

Something no one ever did again…

Back to present day, following the anime argument, also known as the stupidest argument ever, we had a great week till something sent him over the edge.

I know I say it everytime but this time I was sure I lost my person and watched him shape shift into more than just a narc, he went full psychopath.

This is where it gets brutal, after everything was said and done, and make no mistake I was no angel, I forgot my training and reacted and retaliated even if it was moderated I let my emotions take over.

By the end of it I think we are now broken up, I dont know, I’m sure I’ll receive a mail about it, but what happened after the fight was heart breaking.

Every single one of his symptoms came out along with the traumas that caused then. Watching this grown man turn into facets of himself as a child, a teenager, a young adult…. who was he? How would I ever know when he was trapped between so many stages of his life!

I wanted to crawl into his body and fix his brain or at the very least give him one tiny moment of peace. I realized as I looked into his vacant eyes, and staring back at me was a new DID personality who didnt like me and had no regard for me, that I had lost him, and quite possibly, I had caused his new fragment.

Watching the man I love be reduced to nothing was just so destructive, I never want to live through it again. I might have seen moments of him turning into this shadow of who he could be, but never so fully. The episode in itself was traumatic, it went to violent rage smashing his phone along with it, fury while screaming as loud as he could, surpressed emotions as his head looked like it would explode while trying to maintain his cool, to a bleeding nose from the fragments in his brain to eventually puking and reverting to his i guess around 10 year old self.

Through all of this I had no idea what to do!! I had never ever had training in this sort of thing, I may have researched when we first found out in order to make his life better and for him to feel more accepted, but the more frequently we fought, the more he blamed me and reduced me to his level to the point where I question reality…to where we are right now…no return.

What does this have to do with my teenage love, while 14 years almost to the day, he reappeared, giving me an opportunity for closure. Why did you leave without so much as a word?

But almost 14 years to the day I crossed paths with my sociopath, who I love. I believe that maybe it’s me and I’m too sensitive and maybe he is right, I dont know how to accept his love, after the first fight he bought me two beautiful flower bouquets, I think he felt like that was his apology and I think I felt like that meant we could go back to pretending that everything was fine…it wasnt the case.

I’m hoping that by finding out why I wasnt good enough to even get a goodbye, maybe then I’ll feel less sensitive maybe having closure on my past will make me better for him in future…but we may not even have a future at this point…

I dont know what’s worse…that feeling of peace and relief knowing that it’s over and maybe you can just be friends and help him…or the feeling that after everything he has done and caused he is the one who chose to walk away from what I’ve always thought to be a fairytale kind of love story.

It’s a sick mindset…maybe I’ll never know about my teenage love, maybe I’ll never know about my person…all I know is that I find myself in such a similar space right now to when it all began…14 years ago…