I found myself wondering if the reason that I feel so unhappy and dissatisfied is because maybe I am in fact just ungrateful…

Maybe everything is perfect and I’m just an ungrateful Debby Downer…maybe it is not everyone who makes me feel like I am not enough…perhaps they are not enough for me, in which case…I am the problem!

I go through phases of being completely content and grateful and moments where albeit grateful I am certain that one more day of this and I’m going to end myself.

My narc has been doing really well, we haven’t had many incidents and ones that we have had, were small enough for me to ignore and quick enough for them to simmer out before they became a larger issue.

Despite this, the little things have added up, to a point where I now feel collectively over it. Why do I insist on settling? Why am I happy to watch the world do the “normal” things as I am almost exclusively excluded!?

Is it that bad that I got “engaged” and that was the end of it? Now that people have had engagements after me, done the shoots and celebrations that go with it are now planning their actual weddings, I feel so embarrassed as they all try to coddle me because as bride number one…I somehow dont feature.

Am I unreasonable for feeling hurt when my narc is able to identify abusive boyfriends that his best girl friend has and how upset it makes him when people dont treat her well, but he has zero realization that while she is sleeping with married men, I am devoted to him and at the mercy of his destructive and abusive patterns.

Do I want more than I deserve by finding it sad because we dont have an anniversary, he refuses to have anything to do with publicly acknowledging me and has zero to no enthusiasm towards my company while consistently reminding me of how many woman he has helped start their lives off, debit with cars or companies…or whatever monetary and promotional assistance he has at his disposal.

Maybe I am demanding, I could be. If that’s the case then I want to change, but one thing that won’t budge is that I know that my enough is just not enough and I know that by virtue of that, this will not be enough for me.

Happiness eludes me and normal excludes me…maybe I’m just pushing them away…