What will we take for us to remove ourselves from these toxic situations?

No matter how many times I read or listen to these talks about Narcissists and abusers and how to deal with them, I will always find myself surprised by what text book carbine copies of every other recorded offender there is.

The truth is, when love is concerned it doesnt really matter who is wrong or right, but as I was told by my fiancé/narc today…there isnt a “my person”.

I think my jaw literally fell of my face and then quickly rehinged before he noticed and got pissed of at me for having an opinion on the fact that ever single time he said “you’re the one for me”, he meant right now as opposed to knowing it in his gutt.

Sounds fickle and pretty, but after a loop-de-loop discussion I clarified that he did in fact mean that your person or “the one” was whoever you were with at the time.

I’m fine with that, the same way that I was fine when he chose to see his favorite girlfriend on the day I booked out engagement shoot and then got mad at me for arranging it when she needed him (I planned it and co formed it with him before I knew).

I was fine when he said we would get married when we would, that he proposed because i wanted him to (I cant stomach the idea of marriage and I’ve always been vocal about that)…. and the lost goes on…

The problem I seem to have with people who suffer from this order is the lack of accountability. As aware as I am that it is part and parcel of the disorder, I just cannot fathom how you could cut someone open and still blame them!

How you could verbally abuse your girlfriend and say that the married man your female friend is sleeping with is being treated badly because the man only sent her a dozen roses instead of two…

Where does the line get drawn in the sand? Is the desperation to vindicate themselves of all shame past, present and future so intense that they can literally inflict emotional pain to the point of physical illness in a bid to save themselves?!

I’m a believer, I’m a hopeful believer….and I dont believe that the day will ever come where I truly give up, on him, on the others or even on myself. The thing is that right now the oxygen in my tank is running out fast and I see no sign of coming up from the water that is swiftly drowning me.

Maybe what he needs is someone like him, someone like his friend or someone like his lover who passed away and now haunts the corridors of his mind…I know how tragic and hard that must be and for all the sympathy and empathy I feel towards him and his lost lover, I cannot fix it, heal it or undo it…even though I would if I could.

Perhaps that is the problem…I’m so determined to help him keep his love story alive that I am okay with losing my life story as payment. I would see him happy or at the very least safe at the expense of my own safety and sanity…in this revelation lies my downfall, it is not him…it is me…

Somehow…despite not committing the unspeakable, I am still the ultimate sinner, what I may have mistaken for sacrifice is in fact suicide.