Nothing hurt as much as this, and there have been some hurtful times.

I’m not sure how it hurts a little more each time, I could swear that I was healed and over you!

The viciousness in your eyes, the lack of life in your presence, it’s the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced but you already know this.

You become the thing you hate the most…a ghost.

You’re obsessed with these box men…an avatar that resonates with your victim mentality and the funny thing is that it actually does one hundred percent represent you!

When I think of you right now the way you looked when I came to save you makes me feel sick! You looked like a monster, something in you felt like it had been rotting away, you didn’t feel like you…you didnt even feel like my narc.

We went from best friend…to casual lovers…to dating….to fiance…to nothing…you said I was your friend yesterday knowing how much that would hurt…but we arent even that, you were never a friend to me.

All I wanted (knowing that you were a narcissist and sociopath) all I wanted was to be your wife. To go through the ups and downs, the abuse and the pleasant times…all I wanted was you.

You abandoned me then reeled me back in and again and again and again and again…and each time I thought it would make you aware of how devoted I was to you…but the moment I pointed out a crack in your matrix, one that was destroying me, you decided that you would show me what it meant to destroy someone. Not just someone…me.

You couldnt really look me in the eye, I dont even know if it was you or one of the alters…but I held you so tightly and you didnt even react…you looked like you couldn’t wait to get me off you. I stayed awake pacing and panicking when I hadn’t heard from you…after you said such hurtful things when all I did was try to explain what exactly was hard for me. I was dumb.. I always think you’re hurting yourself…but you are just proving a point to me.

You say you dont do things to intentionally hurt me, but for someone who never changed their profile picture when with me, you purposefully changed it after I sent you so many messages…you did it to get a ride out of me…and it worked .I should know better and be better…but the trauma bind is strong.

Dear Ex you chose to hurt me instead of hold onto me when I told you that you were losing me and how simple it was to change that. The idea of just once, even if not truthfully, as one of your many lies…instead of grabbing onto me…you picked me up and threw me out.

I couldnt handle the pain of what was happening so I came to hide in the room that you said would always be mine, knowing that I was leaving for a week un just two days, and being away from you was never easy. You chose to start a war with me, grab my keys to the house and tell me how you didnt owe me anything and that the keys were a gesture. I’ve never been more hurt in my life…you showed me where my things were and walked me out trying your best to get me out of YOUR house, once again.

I had a panic attack in my car which I rolled just further down the street until I was able to drive…an hour later, after cutting myself, you came out showered and dressed up…looked at my car knowing exactly what must have happened…and got into your car without even batting an eyelid.

I had never known cruel..the cruelest person I had ever know was you.

So these are what your box men life could have been like…what they were despite the fact that you’re dangerous. I lay there trying my hardest to tell you that I’d always be there.

But I was a fool…you needed something you could break and use around you…and when your family needed you to pull the plug on me…you did it in a spectacular fashion…maintaining your innocence and keeping your poise while I fell apart.

Dear Ex Narc I have never loved somebody nor hated something as much as I did you. Mostly you feel dead to me and I feel nothing at all. My only prayer is to never see you again and to have you erased from my memory, but I know that is just for the moment…my guilty heart and weak mind will yearn for you like it always does.

This you know…you know exactly who I am and how softly I am wired, but that’s not the narrative you chose to write for me. The evil in you grows at an alarming rate and I feel responsible for it.

I pray that something changes, that one day you become more than your psychiatric diagnosis and that you seek help in order to stop living in the chains you’re shackled in and that so many people need you to stay in!

You were my Chuck Bass…but I was never your Blair Waldorf, I wasnt anything to you…and so i was a victim of your narcissism and abuse…and I chose to remain that until you chose to kick me out when you were done with me!

Dear Narc, its takes more than even you to destroy me…I will be okay.