I read so many of these quotes, probably to make me feel less alone and less crazy…but they all tell you one thing…

Your emotions are based on a trauma bond essentially…heck even he eventually told me that!!

Maybe that WAS him TRYING to protect me, but entangled in excuses and blame as well as the fact that he moved on with his life so quickly…

It felt like a cop out!!

Maybe that was the closure I needed but it wasnt enough, but he tried! I think!

I hate being told that the only reason he was with me was for my supply..I hate that it sounds like the only reason I kept going back was because of the psychology of it…

Not the magic of love?!?!? No way, am I being “gaslit” by leaders in dealing with narcissistic abuse?! Into believing that all the romanticizing of the relationship I’d done was my heads perception of a very empty situationship?!?s

Sure I realized that I was literally the only person who took our “engagememt” seriously. Yes, the family never had any intention of seeing me as anything more than a nurse or nanny…maybe it was never going to be the way it sometimes was…

Oh, I see…

Whatever! Let’s forget the psychology for a moment, let’s also forget my bitterness!

I miss him, with every single shred of emotion in my body…I can be mad…I’m too busy missing him…I cant be angry…I’m too busy longing for him…and that’s is as REAL as the trauma bond!

You know when something bad happens as a result of a mistake, and instead of comforting you people first start with “but this is why”…and you already know why you just need a moment of comfort?

Explanation of why I feel what I feel doesnt make it go away! I dont care if it’s my trauma bond, my victim syndrome…and I certainly do not believe that my feelings for him were on the basis of his obvious harmful tendencies!

It does not always matter! It will…and it does…but sometimes…it just needs a pause on the psychology and a bit more on the empathy.

Do I sound crazy?

Even if I do, it is as they say, what it is. I dont remember the good parts of the relationship all that often, in fact my mind focuses on the worst ones…and how stupid he was for risking us, how we could have saved it, and how I did so many times…the horrible and traumatic instances were so inexplicable and they play on loop in my mind…

I don’t start hating him anymore than I do…its pretty standard the amount of hate…but I do start loving him more…

Maybe that is what they mean when they say it’s a trauma response…I dont really care right now…all I know is that after 10 years of friendship, 5 of a turmultous relationship…and 5 months of a long divorce…

My nest is still empty, home is missing, and my person isnt my person…no psychological term is going to fix that…

Ever…