There’s this song in The Emperors New Groove, a Disney animation (it’s an amazing animation, if you haven’t watched it, I can’t even look at you!)

I could never remember if the song was called “My funny friend and I” or “My funny friend and me”…I just knew that I hated it and how it did not fit into the theme or story at all, and it became a running joke between my ex and I.

Yet another inside joke that no one would get…another secret laugh that I would have to giggle at alone…

At some point last week or on the weekend my ex got some of my stuff that was actually things that I gave to him delivered to my house in bin bags. It stung like a bitch when I saw it, and every instinct screamed that he was trying to cause a reaction…

The thing is…I don’t believe that it was his way of causing closure, not even for himself, this was a carefully orchestrated act, that would force the old me to react and reach out even if angry…it would open our currently closed communication channel…

Whilst it caused every emotion and reaction I think it was intended to…it did not render me a puppet into acting out on my impulses…I finally learned “impulse control baby”. Something he would always say to me…

What it did cause, was me to feel sad that he didn’t come for me when he had the ability to clear me out of his house when even decades later, he had every trace of his exes perfectly preserved…but he was always able to throw me out…but I realized it was because I was real…and I made him real…

I was sad that despite everything, he didn’t know, that had he called, I would have been there…no matter what and always! My promise to him would always supercede anything after him…unfortunate as that may be in my healing and recovery…a narc he may be, but he was always my choice.

I spend every moment thinking about him and missing him, and while I acknowledge how much better and healthier i am without him and pray that it is the same for him, I don’t fight the understanding that he is in fact the love of my life, and while his disease may get the better of him…I won’t allow what was good to be tainted and turned toxic like everything else.

If nothing else…his pattern was broken, I’m not another ex who hates him for what he did and who he was…I have nothing but love for him and have not tarnished his name as the others have, maybe this is the break in his lineage…the hope that hopefully breaks his cycle…I didn’t leave him…I went when he asked me to, but I did not abandon him.

While I know that I can never go back and we could never have what we once did, that being together in this life has probably expired…I’ve seen the worst of him and still only believe the best even if I will never experience it in person…

I pray that my funny narc and me…will be enough of a memory to render him some semblance of peace, and maybe motivate him to find something more…

To be more…. ➿