” The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our soul” – Edgar Allen Poe

It was not until I was fully sober and terribly hungover the next morning that I fully had time to reflect on the clown that I was becoming. Drunk, purposefully getting the attention of strangers and being the entertainment at what was an already theatrical establishment.

What was I doing?!?

I’m not this girl! I’m not this person! But I wanted them all to want me, I wanted them all to know I could have them and not the other way around, what’s more…I wanted HIM to know! Somehow I wanted him to see!!

8 months later and the self sabotage was kicking in, the only person I was hurting here was myself. I can’t stand hurting anyone else, I definitely am not into the partying lifestyle and I certainly don’t want to be touched by people who aren’t him…but there I was…

It’s easy to blame him and I’m sure a massive part of my mind does…but he never made the decisions for me he just informed my view of myself.

If I am not his, then I am not anyone’s and if I belong to no one then anyone can have me and I can have anyone.

What rubbish is that?! I sound like a bad teenage spoof movie!! This toxic mindset, this behavior…it’s destroying me. I am a shell, I feel so empty and that is the only feeling I have…nothingness…

Surely it won’t always be this way…the problem is that I’m afraid that this is the real me…that I’m waiting for the innocent girl to return and the sunshine and rainbows…but actually, this dark soul is who I really am!

Has my experiences with narcissistic, physically and mentally abusive men actually tarnished and tainted me?! Or am I the product of my own internal darkness??

Were they just catalysts for my agenda that was unbeknownst to even myself…I just don’t understand so much of this. I just want him back, I want him to take me home and hold my broken pieces and tell me that it’s okay…

On my journey to heal, I’ve ended up trying to make myself as worthless and not enough as he made me feel and told me I was…I’m trying to become the woman he left…not the woman I am…

Maybe he took all the good pieces…I would have wanted him to anyway….