I need some sleep…trying to put the old horse down…I’m in too deep and the wheels keep spinning round….everyone says, that I’m getting down too low…everyone says, you just gotta let it go…

Eels

It’s almost 2am…in a scant 2 hours I’m meant to be waking up and getting ready for work, it’s also 11:11…a manifestation portal is open and if you’re into that sort of thing, it’s a big day….

With all this information at hand…the one crucial thing to remember is that I feel so aware of how heartbroken I still am…8 months later and the depression has only escalated…and my anxiety accelerated.

You love someone despite…but it’s that despite that begins to formulate the opinion that dictates insanity is only a mild symptom of le Armour…

My heart tells me that he is the one, my loyalty tells me that I am the narcissist, not him. My logic however, dictates that I am in fact the lucky escapee of a man so ruined by his history and trauma that he could not pull himself towards himself enough for him to recognize how destructive he was and probably still is.

No amount of excuses will be able to justify how he went from being “incapable” of something when he was with me, to blinking and being the leading expert in it all of a sudden…how can that be interpreted in any other way?

I lie here sleepless, not him!

• I am the one who loses sleep
• I am the one unable to function
• I am the one picking up the pieces
• I am the one living my truth
• I am the one protecting him
• I am the one still lying for him

He is the one who put us here…

I need some sleep, I need to find my life, the one where he o longer rules my thoughts and decisions…where I am more me and less him…

I need to no longer be the one who immortalizes him…I cannot be his poet any longer, when all I ever was to him was the bridge of a failed song.

No matter how much you love your narc, letting go is the boldest act of unconditional love that you could perform…