” They tried to make me go to rehab but I said no no nooooo”

Yes he’s been bad but man am I sad…I can’t let gooo gooo goooo…

I personally feel like my rendition of the song has a ring to it…something that sticks, in your gutt, like a knife to the chest…piercing your heart but not killing you…forcing you to endure the agony while slowly bleeding out and gasping for air!!

Sorry!! #toofar?!

Man alive! I am not coping at all! I hate to be that suckered, but maybe it’s just because my ex was a bloody gunner of note…hot beyond belief, accent to match, super fit, martial artist, could build anything (yes to shirtless construction, bulldoze your way to my heart you chiseled specimen!)…intelligent…way too intelligent for his own good…the list could go on…

On a more shallow and superficial level, that’s already a pretty difficult order to kind of just let go off…add in the soul deep connections…love…history…blah blah blah…you have a recipe for an addiction level disaster!

That’s the thing…I realized recently, by recently I mean seconds before I typed that sentence…that I am an addict! I am addicted to this man’s love, pain, narcissistic abusive tendencies and the heart I know he had!

Everything about him calls to me, and while I become more aware of the horrible treatment with each day…I also know that I am the only one who can fully understand the laughs we shared…how our hands fit perfectly together…how my nose nuzzled into his neck just right…

Those moments that were shared just between the two of us will be something that only I will be able to feel and understand…those are the things that keep abused partners trapped…

In no way do I compare our relationship to that of a properly abusive one…his behavior was a result of his upbringing and unfortunately continued reinforcement of bad behavior from his family…it was never going to be any different…I don’t excuse it…but I certainly do understand it!

I don’t think anyone wants to be bad…sometimes we are the products of so many factors that are out of our control…and yes…there are some who choose to be better and do better…but for others, it just is not possible!

In the same way that I am addicted to him…he was addicted to the idea of being seen as a hero. He had to let go of the one thing that made him realize that perhaps there were some demons he could not control…he had to let go of me.

The hardest part was that I was willing to carry those demons, I wanted them because I knew in order to love him I had to love all of him. I was willing to sacrifice my sanity…he was not willing to sacrifice his pride and the possibility that he could in fact be a damaging person…

He chose to give me up instead…

Maybe life is better for him now, I in no way believe that my behavior by the time we got to the end was even remotely sane, I was a borderline lunatic crying for every single thing, having panic attacks at the tiniest lie, reacting as if the world were ending at every snide comment…I was erratic.

If his life has become peaceful, fun and happier…then i will be able to find my own peace…the fact that he has summoned up so many more luxuries, friends…etc that he never could for us… shows how vastly different his life is now to what it was with me then…

My life is still the same if not just a tad more uncomfortable…I’m not sure if that’s bad or good…but I am still doing exactly what I was back then…working, being domestic and trying to sort out a life, except now that life is for myself and not for us.

Whatever was mine was his too…I had no secrets, no secret life…no finances that were hidden…I went all in even when I knew I could lose it all…my backup was him.

I want to protect him, hold him, love him and save him…but maybe the person who needs saving is me. Maybe i actually am the one who is weak…needy…helpless…hurtful…it could very well be me…

I want to be more and better and to grow and learn from every single experience…and if that means that perhaps I am the narc, I hope I find out soon…

Whichever way I look at it…I’m in need of serious rehab…