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The Devil You Know…

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There’s a well known saying…”rather the devil you know than the devil you don’t…”

Perhaps I had never fully comprehended it until I was much older and realized that if I were to be swept up into a battle, I’d rather it be a battle that I am well skilled in than one I have never encountered.

Taking that into the realm of love, the type of love that is written about, immortalized in poetry and fiction…it could mean so many different things. I always assumed that for me, it related to my patterns and how I mostly went for males with a similar temprement…

It was probably just yesterday, 7 months after my break up that I fully comprehended what it actually meant for me and what I still believe is one of the greatest love stories ever to have occurred…the story of my Narc and I…

He may have been devilish at times, I fully blame his mental illness and traumas, I don’t care if that means I am making excuses for him, at least not right now in this moment…

Whatever the problems, the pain and sometimes the unbearable environments that he created for me and for us…I knew him…and he knew me…and for all the madness he represented, he was also everything stable to me.

He possessed everything I had ever wanted…and in equal measure, everything I did not and should not have…a trick of fate if ever there was one! My destiny…my purpose…my happiness…also my demise???

Months have gone by, many break ups, many make and so many horrible and unforgivable interactions later and all I know is that I love him as much as I did then, maybe even a little more.

I’ve been trying to move on, seeing other people and doing my best to let it go, let him go…but it is not because I want to! I never wanted any of this not even when my safety depended on it! I find myself wondering if he did it because it was the only way he could protect me? His last and most sacrificial act of love, was to let me go?

Maybe I am romanticizing something that I should not, but there is not a part in me that believes our connection and history is anything less than a tragedy orchestrated by the likes of Shakespeare!!

I don’t want to hate him, I don’t want to feel bitter…but I also want to leave this spot I’ve been stuck in for such a long time…if not for me than maybe for him? Maybe I need to go so that he can move on too? Yes I know, why do I assume that he hasn’t?

I suppose I don’t…but that feeling in me that has never been wrong about what he was doing screams out to me that he is struggling as much as I am…albeit in a different way. And I don’t want that for him…he may be the devil in this story…but he was my monster to fall in love with, and my heart accepted his fate…as it did my own!

‘Rather the devil you know than the devil you don’t’, they say!

The devil knew how to touch me, what made me laugh and smile, what made me cry. He made me feel, pleasant and unpleasant…but he knew exactly how to evoke all emotions in me! We were best friends, lovers, partners…we were also mortal enemies…

Perhaps our fates really were entangled in those first few moments…we never really knew how important it would be to our story ..maybe it always was…

Over a decade ago, when our eyes met for the first time and we instantly despised each other with no real reason…I should have known that he was my shadow selves mirror and I his…and we represented everything that we both could and could not be to the other…

Overwhelmed with admiration while consumed with hatred…

Taylor Swift said it best…

“The story of us sounds a lot like a tragedy…”

Tell Me You Love Me

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What can I say…time doesn’t heal all wounds…it just makes sure that you get used to dealing with them.

The truth is that it does not always go this way, abuse, relationships, narcissistic encounters…they all do not always result in this feeling of emptiness and longing.

The deep sense of love that I felt for him, that connection that i know we shared and i suppose the friendship that was a decade prior to the situationship all make it that much harder to move past it all. He was one of my best friends for 10 years…he watched me lose everything and have to start my life over again, the fact that he was going to be the one to take me down is probably the hardest pill to swallow.

I don’t just miss him, I miss our life, our routine, our inside jokes, our little family and even our dysfunctions. Nothing feels as easy as our complicated was and that in itself is the most cruel irony of all.

No matter how many dates I’ve been on with some really sweet and kind people, it always comes back to how lost I feel without him. In the moment I may laugh and smile and feel, I dare say, happy, but the moment the distraction is paused, I remember how empty and incomplete I am without my narc.

I feel guilty every time I am treated in the way that I guess woman are meant to be when they are with men who understand what it means to not be abusive or narcissistic. He did such a great job of making me feel like I was wrong to move forward with my life every time he left me, as if me trying to pick up the pieces and carry on somehow meant that I had replaced him so easily…if he only knew!

It won’t always be this way I tell myself…but what if it will?

If he reached out to me now, months later, an entire mental breakdown and disaster after the fact…I would run back to him in a heartbeat. I just wanted him to tell me that he loved me and fight for me the way I fought to be with him despite his inability to always be human.

In the words of Tay Tay…”All you had to fo was stay…”

Hurt People…Hurt People

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If you have any sort of social media, you would have already come across this saying a million times!

I love the accuracy, I hate the repetition that has a stigma attached to it, yet lacks the conviction to fully put and ideology into place by expressing flawlessly, that damaged people go on to cause more damage, knowingly or unknowingly.

If you catch yourself doing it, the chances are you’ll have a reason for why its actually okay. You’ll negotiate down to the last offense that it was not your fault and they had it coming…sound familiar?

We adopt the pattern that a narcissist imposed on us and use it as a blue print for what we’ve now decided normal is.

After my ex dumped me and I began to see his social media that became and ode to breaking up with me and what a great decision that was…I felt completely worthless and ashamed, when it was he who should have been ashamed.

That shame turned into a desire for validation as well as a need to match his endeavors with new people. So I signed up to a dating app as a way to “prove” that I was desirable and enough.

Stupid! I know!

Fast forward 3 weeks and a deleted app later…the matches were impossible to keep up with, the people were actually oddly nice to me and the attention was fabulous.

My friend made a chart to track who was who, because there had been deep exchanges with hope’s given and feelings caught…

Not my problem…if you catch feelings that’s on you!

Encouraging each man into thinking that they would be able to to on a date with me, to someone from a different state preparing to fly down to meet me officially as we begin our relationship…

I swiped on people from the age of 21…and yes…not only did they swipe back…they invested…heavily!

I felt so powerful…holding the fates of this ignorant fools in my hands, dating and ghosting at will…hurting and humiliating them as if I were redeeming how they had treated so many woman before them…

I began setting up my friend on dates with these people despite the fact they swiped on me…they found it quite offensive…but went with it nevertheless…

The thing is…I was so busy enjoying the attention and validation, I didn’t recognize how much like him I was becoming. One person just was not enough…I need all aspects of all personalities because it felt good to have access to a variety of traits and skills.

My feelings of inadequacy became a burning need to have as many people into me as I could, because that’s what he would do and that’s what he made me feel like and blah blah blah…

I know I dont want a serious relationship, I’m not ready to go through the pain again…instead I’m ensuring the longevity of my desirableness.

The sad thing is that I will always be a one man type of woman, but the urge to prove that I could have more has ensured that in the end…

I could be just like him…and I’m disappointed in myself, but that wont stop me.

Letting Down The Walls

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No fancy “narc” title today, not one that’s punny, funny or remotely intelligent, just and honest and vulnerable share…

It’s been 5 months since my Ex dropped the bomb on me, and kicked me out of his life and the home I had tried to make for us. The cats who were my kids were taken, and along with my dignity and heart…the foundation of my stability was snatched away in an instant.

I spent majority of those 5 months trying to be there for him, work on myself to be better for him and continued to deal with his drama and emotionally and mentally abusive treatment of me. I allowed myself to continue to be manipulated because it meant that he would be close enough for me to save him…

In retrospect…something about that sounds narcissistic…hmmm….

The thing is, every article mentions them coming back for a supply…but I know he never will, and something about that stings like a jelly fish! I’m not even worth enough for him to restock his fuel…the thought of him NOT disrupting my life upsets me…

I hear myself saying this and I realize the insanity….but within the insanity are the truths that make me realize how much I loved him…

I find myself drawn to people with mental health issues because being there for someone who isnt understood and cant fit into the “normal functioning human mold” is something I love doing.

I’ve spoken to someone who has messed up dreams and night terrors and the thing is, I understand it so well because my ex had them pretty severely…and I loved nothing more than holding him through it! It was never a burden! Never something that felt like work! I loved being able to ground him and give him a sense of s

I’m not sure if within hisbown darkness and insecurities he realized how happy I was for him to just be mine and for me to be the one who got to be there for the dark and scary times…

It doesn’t matter now…what’s done is done as they say…but I suppose it makes me sad…that ultimately it wasnt his illnesses or his mental issues…or even his abusive ones that caused us to die…

It was his lack of fight, his unwillingness to come for me…his desire to find a new supply…

All he had to do was stay!

Narcs Without You

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It’s been 5 months since he broke up with me, took the kids (his ex’s cats that I adopted), kicked me out and abandoned me and our future…

I may be living somewhere completely different, but I wake up convinced that I’m holding him and he us holding me…I thought we would never let each other go!

The mornings hurt so badly…everything from his scent to the feel of the bed with the children tucked against my feet, his arm wrapped around me…its stil his spot…its still our love.

Being discarded by my person has been the most agonizing thing I’ve experienced…I lost my daddy and I thought that nothing could ever hurt that badly again…but the difference is that my dad didnt choose to leave me, I know with ever fiber of my being that he would never choose that…

My narc, he chose to run, to pretend that I didnt exist and then blame me for his decisions and behavior…and I know that even if I did things perfectly…he would make the same choices.

How do they do it? How did he specifically, do it?

Does he not miss me? Can he not feel that something is missing? Does he not get a pain in his heart as he launches his smear campaigns in order to triangulate and protect his self image?

No matter how long it’s been, trauma bond or not, he found a supply shinier than mine…whichever way we look at it, I wasnt enough.

They hurt and harm and lie and cheat but we are the ones who fall down in the middle of the street, unable to stand up, unable to move…forced down by an invisible power…destined to stay on our knees as our narcs look into our souls with their cold and lifeless eyes…

The final goodbye, as you realize that nothing you ever knew lies behind those eyes.

I CanNarc Live Without You

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I’ve always believed that it is the most cliche thing in the world…lovers part and someone cries about how they just cant live without each other…

Yeah sure…breathe honey it’s called oxygen!

So Dramatic

Except…EXCEPT…why the fuck does it really feel like that?! Was my judgmental ass just never exposed to a connection or a love or a voodoo that could conjure up this madness?!?!

What witchcraft causes you physical agony from something emotional! His ghosting felt like he was ripping a limb off my body slowly and with not enough force to clean tear it off…like the skin stretches first…then the ligaments…blood everywhere…slow and graphic and painful!

The realization that he is never coming back?! That feels like my chest is about to explode, I have to actively distract myself from thinking about it or even acknowledging it because I fear that I may have an actual heart attack…the symptoms are all right there!

Physical and very real symptoms!

The more I think about how much he hurt me and how embarrassed I am by everything that he is publicly doing now the more convinced I am that all he had to do was just come and get me…I’d get into whatever he picked me up in and go wherever he wanted to knowing that he would do it all again and so much worse!

Why couldnt he be a better man? Just to me?? Why couldnt he have been honest and loyal and true and mine?!

Words hurt…the one thing I’m good at, expressing myself be it through art or writing or exercising…none of those are active because I lose the energy to even express the emotion I feel which is loss…and physical pain…

A death in the family I created in my mind…

Fucking sorcerery!!

Empty Narc Syndrome

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I read so many of these quotes, probably to make me feel less alone and less crazy…but they all tell you one thing…

Your emotions are based on a trauma bond essentially…heck even he eventually told me that!!

Maybe that WAS him TRYING to protect me, but entangled in excuses and blame as well as the fact that he moved on with his life so quickly…

It felt like a cop out!!

Maybe that was the closure I needed but it wasnt enough, but he tried! I think!

I hate being told that the only reason he was with me was for my supply..I hate that it sounds like the only reason I kept going back was because of the psychology of it…

Not the magic of love?!?!? No way, am I being “gaslit” by leaders in dealing with narcissistic abuse?! Into believing that all the romanticizing of the relationship I’d done was my heads perception of a very empty situationship?!?s

Sure I realized that I was literally the only person who took our “engagememt” seriously. Yes, the family never had any intention of seeing me as anything more than a nurse or nanny…maybe it was never going to be the way it sometimes was…

Oh, I see…

Whatever! Let’s forget the psychology for a moment, let’s also forget my bitterness!

I miss him, with every single shred of emotion in my body…I can be mad…I’m too busy missing him…I cant be angry…I’m too busy longing for him…and that’s is as REAL as the trauma bond!

You know when something bad happens as a result of a mistake, and instead of comforting you people first start with “but this is why”…and you already know why you just need a moment of comfort?

Explanation of why I feel what I feel doesnt make it go away! I dont care if it’s my trauma bond, my victim syndrome…and I certainly do not believe that my feelings for him were on the basis of his obvious harmful tendencies!

It does not always matter! It will…and it does…but sometimes…it just needs a pause on the psychology and a bit more on the empathy.

Do I sound crazy?

Even if I do, it is as they say, what it is. I dont remember the good parts of the relationship all that often, in fact my mind focuses on the worst ones…and how stupid he was for risking us, how we could have saved it, and how I did so many times…the horrible and traumatic instances were so inexplicable and they play on loop in my mind…

I don’t start hating him anymore than I do…its pretty standard the amount of hate…but I do start loving him more…

Maybe that is what they mean when they say it’s a trauma response…I dont really care right now…all I know is that after 10 years of friendship, 5 of a turmultous relationship…and 5 months of a long divorce…

My nest is still empty, home is missing, and my person isnt my person…no psychological term is going to fix that…

Ever…

Is This Poetry

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I’m not much of a poet, but I find that my anxiety episodes are flooded with these badly written rhymes…

Midnight Musings

” I watched someone that I thought I knew well

Slowly descend into a narcopathic hell…

Narc isn’t like smurf

It cant be used as a verb…

When you put it in front, it’s all narcs favorite herb

I watched someone that I thought I knew well…steadily descend into a narcissists hell…

She squirmed and she screamed, and she ran while she yelled,

Trying to outrun all the ghosts she had felled

The thing to look out for, on your pathway to healing…

Is that hidden under cover, something’s wrong here kind of feeling…

I watched someone that I thought I knew well…slowly become her own narcissistic hell…

I havent looked at her closely yet, but I can already tell…

She will wave at me in the mirror, from where all narcissists dwell”

Narc-path

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Narc-pathy – the idea that a narc has that is delusional and filled with ideas of empathy when in fact it is is controlling and harmful… narc victims often suffer the result of this by believing that they care…

With my whole heart I do not believe that narcs are like this on purpose or that they are in any way aware of it. My ex narc would have moments of clarity in which he would realize what he has done and been doing…but would run away…and while running his brain would change the narrative to how it was my fault and then the triangulation would begin!!!

It was one hundred percent a lose lose situation!!

I do not own the rights to this image

Coming back to the nar-apathy, it is so important to watch out that you dont belong just like them! Introspection is one of the things that non-narcs are blessed with…so when the slipping starts…you must be aware.

A friend who has been in some relationships that were emotionally abusive reached out to me to convince me that my relationship was slowly killing me, and for as amazing she is…she does it in such a negative way…a trained pattern of behavior.

“Why dont you do this?!”

“Your hair is frizzy”

“Do it this way!!”

“This is why you cant get it right”

“You waste time by just working hard.”

“You dont know how to do it,you need to be more like me…”

It started feeling like I was dating my ex again. As sweet as she is, she is actually controlling and difficult and consistently running from boredom because she has yet to settle into her own life.

I do not own the rights

I love her to death but her constant questioning of my decisions and actions starts waking up the ptsd…and that’s the thing about not being one of those…you need to step back and support people without criticizing them.

I work 18 hour days…I dont have the time to do nothing or sit on social media but I’m surrounded by people who think it’s alright to dictate my life or sense of self.

Before you start judging freely, make sure that you are not at all being an asshole and a narcissistic person trying to break an already broken person.

The cycle will continue…dont be of them!!!!

Narcomencer

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Narcomencer- one who communicates with a Narcissist, and deciphers their f*d up actions, allowing them to make plausible excuses for their behavior…

I’m a level 100 Narcomencer…expert level…I’ve been finding and making excuses for all sorts of people my entire life! But never was I this dedicated!

A glass of watered down wine and I am ready to open my arms and throw myself onto the very same narc that kicked me out the house and watched me have a panic attack in the street!!

Thankfully I’m a good 5 hours away with someone else’s car so there is no way that I could go to him and make him understand that I love him.

It seems that one of his altars are at the forefront and sadly it’s the one who dislikes me and views me as a threat! That one doesn’t allow for love to cross the walls…so it’s a double whammy of rejection and pain…for both of us. I

It gets complicated…he is suffering more than I am, just for different reasons…does that make it any less or more okay? I dont know…I suppose that’s where the excuses come in!

In my mind the real him and I are fighting this epic battle to be together…but we arent…I am…and I’m also romanticizing it a lot!

Theres are no winners here I don’t think…