Tag: #boxman #abandoned #rejected #discarded

Narc Rehab

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” They tried to make me go to rehab but I said no no nooooo”

Yes he’s been bad but man am I sad…I can’t let gooo gooo goooo…

I personally feel like my rendition of the song has a ring to it…something that sticks, in your gutt, like a knife to the chest…piercing your heart but not killing you…forcing you to endure the agony while slowly bleeding out and gasping for air!!

Sorry!! #toofar?!

Man alive! I am not coping at all! I hate to be that suckered, but maybe it’s just because my ex was a bloody gunner of note…hot beyond belief, accent to match, super fit, martial artist, could build anything (yes to shirtless construction, bulldoze your way to my heart you chiseled specimen!)…intelligent…way too intelligent for his own good…the list could go on…

On a more shallow and superficial level, that’s already a pretty difficult order to kind of just let go off…add in the soul deep connections…love…history…blah blah blah…you have a recipe for an addiction level disaster!

That’s the thing…I realized recently, by recently I mean seconds before I typed that sentence…that I am an addict! I am addicted to this man’s love, pain, narcissistic abusive tendencies and the heart I know he had!

Everything about him calls to me, and while I become more aware of the horrible treatment with each day…I also know that I am the only one who can fully understand the laughs we shared…how our hands fit perfectly together…how my nose nuzzled into his neck just right…

Those moments that were shared just between the two of us will be something that only I will be able to feel and understand…those are the things that keep abused partners trapped…

In no way do I compare our relationship to that of a properly abusive one…his behavior was a result of his upbringing and unfortunately continued reinforcement of bad behavior from his family…it was never going to be any different…I don’t excuse it…but I certainly do understand it!

I don’t think anyone wants to be bad…sometimes we are the products of so many factors that are out of our control…and yes…there are some who choose to be better and do better…but for others, it just is not possible!

In the same way that I am addicted to him…he was addicted to the idea of being seen as a hero. He had to let go of the one thing that made him realize that perhaps there were some demons he could not control…he had to let go of me.

The hardest part was that I was willing to carry those demons, I wanted them because I knew in order to love him I had to love all of him. I was willing to sacrifice my sanity…he was not willing to sacrifice his pride and the possibility that he could in fact be a damaging person…

He chose to give me up instead…

Maybe life is better for him now, I in no way believe that my behavior by the time we got to the end was even remotely sane, I was a borderline lunatic crying for every single thing, having panic attacks at the tiniest lie, reacting as if the world were ending at every snide comment…I was erratic.

If his life has become peaceful, fun and happier…then i will be able to find my own peace…the fact that he has summoned up so many more luxuries, friends…etc that he never could for us… shows how vastly different his life is now to what it was with me then…

My life is still the same if not just a tad more uncomfortable…I’m not sure if that’s bad or good…but I am still doing exactly what I was back then…working, being domestic and trying to sort out a life, except now that life is for myself and not for us.

Whatever was mine was his too…I had no secrets, no secret life…no finances that were hidden…I went all in even when I knew I could lose it all…my backup was him.

I want to protect him, hold him, love him and save him…but maybe the person who needs saving is me. Maybe i actually am the one who is weak…needy…helpless…hurtful…it could very well be me…

I want to be more and better and to grow and learn from every single experience…and if that means that perhaps I am the narc, I hope I find out soon…

Whichever way I look at it…I’m in need of serious rehab…

One Of Us

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” The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our soul” – Edgar Allen Poe

It was not until I was fully sober and terribly hungover the next morning that I fully had time to reflect on the clown that I was becoming. Drunk, purposefully getting the attention of strangers and being the entertainment at what was an already theatrical establishment.

What was I doing?!?

I’m not this girl! I’m not this person! But I wanted them all to want me, I wanted them all to know I could have them and not the other way around, what’s more…I wanted HIM to know! Somehow I wanted him to see!!

8 months later and the self sabotage was kicking in, the only person I was hurting here was myself. I can’t stand hurting anyone else, I definitely am not into the partying lifestyle and I certainly don’t want to be touched by people who aren’t him…but there I was…

It’s easy to blame him and I’m sure a massive part of my mind does…but he never made the decisions for me he just informed my view of myself.

If I am not his, then I am not anyone’s and if I belong to no one then anyone can have me and I can have anyone.

What rubbish is that?! I sound like a bad teenage spoof movie!! This toxic mindset, this behavior…it’s destroying me. I am a shell, I feel so empty and that is the only feeling I have…nothingness…

Surely it won’t always be this way…the problem is that I’m afraid that this is the real me…that I’m waiting for the innocent girl to return and the sunshine and rainbows…but actually, this dark soul is who I really am!

Has my experiences with narcissistic, physically and mentally abusive men actually tarnished and tainted me?! Or am I the product of my own internal darkness??

Were they just catalysts for my agenda that was unbeknownst to even myself…I just don’t understand so much of this. I just want him back, I want him to take me home and hold my broken pieces and tell me that it’s okay…

On my journey to heal, I’ve ended up trying to make myself as worthless and not enough as he made me feel and told me I was…I’m trying to become the woman he left…not the woman I am…

Maybe he took all the good pieces…I would have wanted him to anyway….

My Funny Narc And I

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There’s this song in The Emperors New Groove, a Disney animation (it’s an amazing animation, if you haven’t watched it, I can’t even look at you!)

I could never remember if the song was called “My funny friend and I” or “My funny friend and me”…I just knew that I hated it and how it did not fit into the theme or story at all, and it became a running joke between my ex and I.

Yet another inside joke that no one would get…another secret laugh that I would have to giggle at alone…

At some point last week or on the weekend my ex got some of my stuff that was actually things that I gave to him delivered to my house in bin bags. It stung like a bitch when I saw it, and every instinct screamed that he was trying to cause a reaction…

The thing is…I don’t believe that it was his way of causing closure, not even for himself, this was a carefully orchestrated act, that would force the old me to react and reach out even if angry…it would open our currently closed communication channel…

Whilst it caused every emotion and reaction I think it was intended to…it did not render me a puppet into acting out on my impulses…I finally learned “impulse control baby”. Something he would always say to me…

What it did cause, was me to feel sad that he didn’t come for me when he had the ability to clear me out of his house when even decades later, he had every trace of his exes perfectly preserved…but he was always able to throw me out…but I realized it was because I was real…and I made him real…

I was sad that despite everything, he didn’t know, that had he called, I would have been there…no matter what and always! My promise to him would always supercede anything after him…unfortunate as that may be in my healing and recovery…a narc he may be, but he was always my choice.

I spend every moment thinking about him and missing him, and while I acknowledge how much better and healthier i am without him and pray that it is the same for him, I don’t fight the understanding that he is in fact the love of my life, and while his disease may get the better of him…I won’t allow what was good to be tainted and turned toxic like everything else.

If nothing else…his pattern was broken, I’m not another ex who hates him for what he did and who he was…I have nothing but love for him and have not tarnished his name as the others have, maybe this is the break in his lineage…the hope that hopefully breaks his cycle…I didn’t leave him…I went when he asked me to, but I did not abandon him.

While I know that I can never go back and we could never have what we once did, that being together in this life has probably expired…I’ve seen the worst of him and still only believe the best even if I will never experience it in person…

I pray that my funny narc and me…will be enough of a memory to render him some semblance of peace, and maybe motivate him to find something more…

To be more…. ➿

The Devil You Know…

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There’s a well known saying…”rather the devil you know than the devil you don’t…”

Perhaps I had never fully comprehended it until I was much older and realized that if I were to be swept up into a battle, I’d rather it be a battle that I am well skilled in than one I have never encountered.

Taking that into the realm of love, the type of love that is written about, immortalized in poetry and fiction…it could mean so many different things. I always assumed that for me, it related to my patterns and how I mostly went for males with a similar temprement…

It was probably just yesterday, 7 months after my break up that I fully comprehended what it actually meant for me and what I still believe is one of the greatest love stories ever to have occurred…the story of my Narc and I…

He may have been devilish at times, I fully blame his mental illness and traumas, I don’t care if that means I am making excuses for him, at least not right now in this moment…

Whatever the problems, the pain and sometimes the unbearable environments that he created for me and for us…I knew him…and he knew me…and for all the madness he represented, he was also everything stable to me.

He possessed everything I had ever wanted…and in equal measure, everything I did not and should not have…a trick of fate if ever there was one! My destiny…my purpose…my happiness…also my demise???

Months have gone by, many break ups, many make and so many horrible and unforgivable interactions later and all I know is that I love him as much as I did then, maybe even a little more.

I’ve been trying to move on, seeing other people and doing my best to let it go, let him go…but it is not because I want to! I never wanted any of this not even when my safety depended on it! I find myself wondering if he did it because it was the only way he could protect me? His last and most sacrificial act of love, was to let me go?

Maybe I am romanticizing something that I should not, but there is not a part in me that believes our connection and history is anything less than a tragedy orchestrated by the likes of Shakespeare!!

I don’t want to hate him, I don’t want to feel bitter…but I also want to leave this spot I’ve been stuck in for such a long time…if not for me than maybe for him? Maybe I need to go so that he can move on too? Yes I know, why do I assume that he hasn’t?

I suppose I don’t…but that feeling in me that has never been wrong about what he was doing screams out to me that he is struggling as much as I am…albeit in a different way. And I don’t want that for him…he may be the devil in this story…but he was my monster to fall in love with, and my heart accepted his fate…as it did my own!

‘Rather the devil you know than the devil you don’t’, they say!

The devil knew how to touch me, what made me laugh and smile, what made me cry. He made me feel, pleasant and unpleasant…but he knew exactly how to evoke all emotions in me! We were best friends, lovers, partners…we were also mortal enemies…

Perhaps our fates really were entangled in those first few moments…we never really knew how important it would be to our story ..maybe it always was…

Over a decade ago, when our eyes met for the first time and we instantly despised each other with no real reason…I should have known that he was my shadow selves mirror and I his…and we represented everything that we both could and could not be to the other…

Overwhelmed with admiration while consumed with hatred…

Taylor Swift said it best…

“The story of us sounds a lot like a tragedy…”

Tell Me You Love Me

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What can I say…time doesn’t heal all wounds…it just makes sure that you get used to dealing with them.

The truth is that it does not always go this way, abuse, relationships, narcissistic encounters…they all do not always result in this feeling of emptiness and longing.

The deep sense of love that I felt for him, that connection that i know we shared and i suppose the friendship that was a decade prior to the situationship all make it that much harder to move past it all. He was one of my best friends for 10 years…he watched me lose everything and have to start my life over again, the fact that he was going to be the one to take me down is probably the hardest pill to swallow.

I don’t just miss him, I miss our life, our routine, our inside jokes, our little family and even our dysfunctions. Nothing feels as easy as our complicated was and that in itself is the most cruel irony of all.

No matter how many dates I’ve been on with some really sweet and kind people, it always comes back to how lost I feel without him. In the moment I may laugh and smile and feel, I dare say, happy, but the moment the distraction is paused, I remember how empty and incomplete I am without my narc.

I feel guilty every time I am treated in the way that I guess woman are meant to be when they are with men who understand what it means to not be abusive or narcissistic. He did such a great job of making me feel like I was wrong to move forward with my life every time he left me, as if me trying to pick up the pieces and carry on somehow meant that I had replaced him so easily…if he only knew!

It won’t always be this way I tell myself…but what if it will?

If he reached out to me now, months later, an entire mental breakdown and disaster after the fact…I would run back to him in a heartbeat. I just wanted him to tell me that he loved me and fight for me the way I fought to be with him despite his inability to always be human.

In the words of Tay Tay…”All you had to fo was stay…”

Hurt People…Hurt People

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If you have any sort of social media, you would have already come across this saying a million times!

I love the accuracy, I hate the repetition that has a stigma attached to it, yet lacks the conviction to fully put and ideology into place by expressing flawlessly, that damaged people go on to cause more damage, knowingly or unknowingly.

If you catch yourself doing it, the chances are you’ll have a reason for why its actually okay. You’ll negotiate down to the last offense that it was not your fault and they had it coming…sound familiar?

We adopt the pattern that a narcissist imposed on us and use it as a blue print for what we’ve now decided normal is.

After my ex dumped me and I began to see his social media that became and ode to breaking up with me and what a great decision that was…I felt completely worthless and ashamed, when it was he who should have been ashamed.

That shame turned into a desire for validation as well as a need to match his endeavors with new people. So I signed up to a dating app as a way to “prove” that I was desirable and enough.

Stupid! I know!

Fast forward 3 weeks and a deleted app later…the matches were impossible to keep up with, the people were actually oddly nice to me and the attention was fabulous.

My friend made a chart to track who was who, because there had been deep exchanges with hope’s given and feelings caught…

Not my problem…if you catch feelings that’s on you!

Encouraging each man into thinking that they would be able to to on a date with me, to someone from a different state preparing to fly down to meet me officially as we begin our relationship…

I swiped on people from the age of 21…and yes…not only did they swipe back…they invested…heavily!

I felt so powerful…holding the fates of this ignorant fools in my hands, dating and ghosting at will…hurting and humiliating them as if I were redeeming how they had treated so many woman before them…

I began setting up my friend on dates with these people despite the fact they swiped on me…they found it quite offensive…but went with it nevertheless…

The thing is…I was so busy enjoying the attention and validation, I didn’t recognize how much like him I was becoming. One person just was not enough…I need all aspects of all personalities because it felt good to have access to a variety of traits and skills.

My feelings of inadequacy became a burning need to have as many people into me as I could, because that’s what he would do and that’s what he made me feel like and blah blah blah…

I know I dont want a serious relationship, I’m not ready to go through the pain again…instead I’m ensuring the longevity of my desirableness.

The sad thing is that I will always be a one man type of woman, but the urge to prove that I could have more has ensured that in the end…

I could be just like him…and I’m disappointed in myself, but that wont stop me.

Letting Down The Walls

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No fancy “narc” title today, not one that’s punny, funny or remotely intelligent, just and honest and vulnerable share…

It’s been 5 months since my Ex dropped the bomb on me, and kicked me out of his life and the home I had tried to make for us. The cats who were my kids were taken, and along with my dignity and heart…the foundation of my stability was snatched away in an instant.

I spent majority of those 5 months trying to be there for him, work on myself to be better for him and continued to deal with his drama and emotionally and mentally abusive treatment of me. I allowed myself to continue to be manipulated because it meant that he would be close enough for me to save him…

In retrospect…something about that sounds narcissistic…hmmm….

The thing is, every article mentions them coming back for a supply…but I know he never will, and something about that stings like a jelly fish! I’m not even worth enough for him to restock his fuel…the thought of him NOT disrupting my life upsets me…

I hear myself saying this and I realize the insanity….but within the insanity are the truths that make me realize how much I loved him…

I find myself drawn to people with mental health issues because being there for someone who isnt understood and cant fit into the “normal functioning human mold” is something I love doing.

I’ve spoken to someone who has messed up dreams and night terrors and the thing is, I understand it so well because my ex had them pretty severely…and I loved nothing more than holding him through it! It was never a burden! Never something that felt like work! I loved being able to ground him and give him a sense of s

I’m not sure if within hisbown darkness and insecurities he realized how happy I was for him to just be mine and for me to be the one who got to be there for the dark and scary times…

It doesn’t matter now…what’s done is done as they say…but I suppose it makes me sad…that ultimately it wasnt his illnesses or his mental issues…or even his abusive ones that caused us to die…

It was his lack of fight, his unwillingness to come for me…his desire to find a new supply…

All he had to do was stay!

Narcs Without You

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It’s been 5 months since he broke up with me, took the kids (his ex’s cats that I adopted), kicked me out and abandoned me and our future…

I may be living somewhere completely different, but I wake up convinced that I’m holding him and he us holding me…I thought we would never let each other go!

The mornings hurt so badly…everything from his scent to the feel of the bed with the children tucked against my feet, his arm wrapped around me…its stil his spot…its still our love.

Being discarded by my person has been the most agonizing thing I’ve experienced…I lost my daddy and I thought that nothing could ever hurt that badly again…but the difference is that my dad didnt choose to leave me, I know with ever fiber of my being that he would never choose that…

My narc, he chose to run, to pretend that I didnt exist and then blame me for his decisions and behavior…and I know that even if I did things perfectly…he would make the same choices.

How do they do it? How did he specifically, do it?

Does he not miss me? Can he not feel that something is missing? Does he not get a pain in his heart as he launches his smear campaigns in order to triangulate and protect his self image?

No matter how long it’s been, trauma bond or not, he found a supply shinier than mine…whichever way we look at it, I wasnt enough.

They hurt and harm and lie and cheat but we are the ones who fall down in the middle of the street, unable to stand up, unable to move…forced down by an invisible power…destined to stay on our knees as our narcs look into our souls with their cold and lifeless eyes…

The final goodbye, as you realize that nothing you ever knew lies behind those eyes.

I CanNarc Live Without You

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I’ve always believed that it is the most cliche thing in the world…lovers part and someone cries about how they just cant live without each other…

Yeah sure…breathe honey it’s called oxygen!

So Dramatic

Except…EXCEPT…why the fuck does it really feel like that?! Was my judgmental ass just never exposed to a connection or a love or a voodoo that could conjure up this madness?!?!

What witchcraft causes you physical agony from something emotional! His ghosting felt like he was ripping a limb off my body slowly and with not enough force to clean tear it off…like the skin stretches first…then the ligaments…blood everywhere…slow and graphic and painful!

The realization that he is never coming back?! That feels like my chest is about to explode, I have to actively distract myself from thinking about it or even acknowledging it because I fear that I may have an actual heart attack…the symptoms are all right there!

Physical and very real symptoms!

The more I think about how much he hurt me and how embarrassed I am by everything that he is publicly doing now the more convinced I am that all he had to do was just come and get me…I’d get into whatever he picked me up in and go wherever he wanted to knowing that he would do it all again and so much worse!

Why couldnt he be a better man? Just to me?? Why couldnt he have been honest and loyal and true and mine?!

Words hurt…the one thing I’m good at, expressing myself be it through art or writing or exercising…none of those are active because I lose the energy to even express the emotion I feel which is loss…and physical pain…

A death in the family I created in my mind…

Fucking sorcerery!!

Empty Narc Syndrome

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I read so many of these quotes, probably to make me feel less alone and less crazy…but they all tell you one thing…

Your emotions are based on a trauma bond essentially…heck even he eventually told me that!!

Maybe that WAS him TRYING to protect me, but entangled in excuses and blame as well as the fact that he moved on with his life so quickly…

It felt like a cop out!!

Maybe that was the closure I needed but it wasnt enough, but he tried! I think!

I hate being told that the only reason he was with me was for my supply..I hate that it sounds like the only reason I kept going back was because of the psychology of it…

Not the magic of love?!?!? No way, am I being “gaslit” by leaders in dealing with narcissistic abuse?! Into believing that all the romanticizing of the relationship I’d done was my heads perception of a very empty situationship?!?s

Sure I realized that I was literally the only person who took our “engagememt” seriously. Yes, the family never had any intention of seeing me as anything more than a nurse or nanny…maybe it was never going to be the way it sometimes was…

Oh, I see…

Whatever! Let’s forget the psychology for a moment, let’s also forget my bitterness!

I miss him, with every single shred of emotion in my body…I can be mad…I’m too busy missing him…I cant be angry…I’m too busy longing for him…and that’s is as REAL as the trauma bond!

You know when something bad happens as a result of a mistake, and instead of comforting you people first start with “but this is why”…and you already know why you just need a moment of comfort?

Explanation of why I feel what I feel doesnt make it go away! I dont care if it’s my trauma bond, my victim syndrome…and I certainly do not believe that my feelings for him were on the basis of his obvious harmful tendencies!

It does not always matter! It will…and it does…but sometimes…it just needs a pause on the psychology and a bit more on the empathy.

Do I sound crazy?

Even if I do, it is as they say, what it is. I dont remember the good parts of the relationship all that often, in fact my mind focuses on the worst ones…and how stupid he was for risking us, how we could have saved it, and how I did so many times…the horrible and traumatic instances were so inexplicable and they play on loop in my mind…

I don’t start hating him anymore than I do…its pretty standard the amount of hate…but I do start loving him more…

Maybe that is what they mean when they say it’s a trauma response…I dont really care right now…all I know is that after 10 years of friendship, 5 of a turmultous relationship…and 5 months of a long divorce…

My nest is still empty, home is missing, and my person isnt my person…no psychological term is going to fix that…

Ever…