Narc-pathy – the idea that a narc has that is delusional and filled with ideas of empathy when in fact it is is controlling and harmful… narc victims often suffer the result of this by believing that they care…
With my whole heart I do not believe that narcs are like this on purpose or that they are in any way aware of it. My ex narc would have moments of clarity in which he would realize what he has done and been doing…but would run away…and while running his brain would change the narrative to how it was my fault and then the triangulation would begin!!!
It was one hundred percent a lose lose situation!!
I do not own the rights to this image
Coming back to the nar-apathy, it is so important to watch out that you dont belong just like them! Introspection is one of the things that non-narcs are blessed with…so when the slipping starts…you must be aware.
A friend who has been in some relationships that were emotionally abusive reached out to me to convince me that my relationship was slowly killing me, and for as amazing she is…she does it in such a negative way…a trained pattern of behavior.
“Why dont you do this?!”
“Your hair is frizzy”
“Do it this way!!”
“This is why you cant get it right”
“You waste time by just working hard.”
“You dont know how to do it,you need to be more like me…”
It started feeling like I was dating my ex again. As sweet as she is, she is actually controlling and difficult and consistently running from boredom because she has yet to settle into her own life.
I do not own the rights
I love her to death but her constant questioning of my decisions and actions starts waking up the ptsd…and that’s the thing about not being one of those…you need to step back and support people without criticizing them.
I work 18 hour days…I dont have the time to do nothing or sit on social media but I’m surrounded by people who think it’s alright to dictate my life or sense of self.
Before you start judging freely, make sure that you are not at all being an asshole and a narcissistic person trying to break an already broken person.
Narcomencer- one who communicates with a Narcissist, and deciphers their f*d up actions, allowing them to make plausible excuses for their behavior…
I’m a level 100 Narcomencer…expert level…I’ve been finding and making excuses for all sorts of people my entire life! But never was I this dedicated!
A glass of watered down wine and I am ready to open my arms and throw myself onto the very same narc that kicked me out the house and watched me have a panic attack in the street!!
Thankfully I’m a good 5 hours away with someone else’s car so there is no way that I could go to him and make him understand that I love him.
It seems that one of his altars are at the forefront and sadly it’s the one who dislikes me and views me as a threat! That one doesn’t allow for love to cross the walls…so it’s a double whammy of rejection and pain…for both of us. I
It gets complicated…he is suffering more than I am, just for different reasons…does that make it any less or more okay? I dont know…I suppose that’s where the excuses come in!
In my mind the real him and I are fighting this epic battle to be together…but we arent…I am…and I’m also romanticizing it a lot!
Narcolepsy- the acute disorder whereby the person’s brain is so “drowsy and sleepy” that it misses the red flags and devotes his or her sanity to the narcissist.
“Not the official dictionary meaning. Intended for literary purposes.”
I sit back and look at the smoke and ashes, the only proof that exists proving that the last few months of my life really happened.
The very existence of this page shoes just how long ago I was meant to say goodbye, Dua Lipa says it best “let’s at least agree to go our separate ways…”
But we never did….
I look at the destruction in my life, caused mostly by terrible and abusive relationships. While this one was far less physically abusive, the mental games and emotional abuse was far more taxing on my physical health than any other period ever was.
I maintain that I dont believe they he didn’t intentionally and that his psychosis was a big part of it to blame. The sad truth though, is that no matter what and to what degree…he was set out to annihilate me, and I think he may have succeeded.
I miss him all the time, in between the moments of overwhelming sadness are moments of exceptional hate for him and the people who aided him.
I dont understand why or how or what, but those questions arent limited to the actions or the dizziness needed in order to allow it to happen. The thing is that I am going to spend such a long time confused by this ordeal and i am depending on that to keep me as far away as possible from the monster that lurks beneath.
All this hurt later…my narcolepsy still leaves me with Stockholm Syndrome!
Nothing hurt as much as this, and there have been some hurtful times.
I’m not sure how it hurts a little more each time, I could swear that I was healed and over you!
The viciousness in your eyes, the lack of life in your presence, it’s the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced but you already know this.
You become the thing you hate the most…a ghost.
Him
You’re obsessed with these box men…an avatar that resonates with your victim mentality and the funny thing is that it actually does one hundred percent represent you!
When I think of you right now the way you looked when I came to save you makes me feel sick! You looked like a monster, something in you felt like it had been rotting away, you didn’t feel like you…you didnt even feel like my narc.
We went from best friend…to casual lovers…to dating….to fiance…to nothing…you said I was your friend yesterday knowing how much that would hurt…but we arent even that, you were never a friend to me.
All I wanted (knowing that you were a narcissist and sociopath) all I wanted was to be your wife. To go through the ups and downs, the abuse and the pleasant times…all I wanted was you.
You abandoned me then reeled me back in and again and again and again and again…and each time I thought it would make you aware of how devoted I was to you…but the moment I pointed out a crack in your matrix, one that was destroying me, you decided that you would show me what it meant to destroy someone. Not just someone…me.
You couldnt really look me in the eye, I dont even know if it was you or one of the alters…but I held you so tightly and you didnt even react…you looked like you couldn’t wait to get me off you. I stayed awake pacing and panicking when I hadn’t heard from you…after you said such hurtful things when all I did was try to explain what exactly was hard for me. I was dumb.. I always think you’re hurting yourself…but you are just proving a point to me.
You say you dont do things to intentionally hurt me, but for someone who never changed their profile picture when with me, you purposefully changed it after I sent you so many messages…you did it to get a ride out of me…and it worked .I should know better and be better…but the trauma bind is strong.
Dear Ex you chose to hurt me instead of hold onto me when I told you that you were losing me and how simple it was to change that. The idea of just once, even if not truthfully, as one of your many lies…instead of grabbing onto me…you picked me up and threw me out.
I couldnt handle the pain of what was happening so I came to hide in the room that you said would always be mine, knowing that I was leaving for a week un just two days, and being away from you was never easy. You chose to start a war with me, grab my keys to the house and tell me how you didnt owe me anything and that the keys were a gesture. I’ve never been more hurt in my life…you showed me where my things were and walked me out trying your best to get me out of YOUR house, once again.
I had a panic attack in my car which I rolled just further down the street until I was able to drive…an hour later, after cutting myself, you came out showered and dressed up…looked at my car knowing exactly what must have happened…and got into your car without even batting an eyelid.
I had never known cruel..the cruelest person I had ever know was you.
So these are what your box men life could have been like…what they were despite the fact that you’re dangerous. I lay there trying my hardest to tell you that I’d always be there.
But I was a fool…you needed something you could break and use around you…and when your family needed you to pull the plug on me…you did it in a spectacular fashion…maintaining your innocence and keeping your poise while I fell apart.
Dear Ex Narc I have never loved somebody nor hated something as much as I did you. Mostly you feel dead to me and I feel nothing at all. My only prayer is to never see you again and to have you erased from my memory, but I know that is just for the moment…my guilty heart and weak mind will yearn for you like it always does.
This you know…you know exactly who I am and how softly I am wired, but that’s not the narrative you chose to write for me. The evil in you grows at an alarming rate and I feel responsible for it.
I pray that something changes, that one day you become more than your psychiatric diagnosis and that you seek help in order to stop living in the chains you’re shackled in and that so many people need you to stay in!
You were my Chuck Bass…but I was never your Blair Waldorf, I wasnt anything to you…and so i was a victim of your narcissism and abuse…and I chose to remain that until you chose to kick me out when you were done with me!
Dear Narc, its takes more than even you to destroy me…I will be okay.
Confessions Of A Narc Addict 