Rollercoaster

Posted on November 4, 2021 Posted in UncategorizedTagged #anxiety, #boyfriend, #dating, #empathy #girlfriends, #girls #girlpower #selflove #advice #realtalk, #love, #mentalabuse #healing #movingon, #moveon, #narcissist, #onlinedating, #relationship, #startover, #us, abuse, empathy, mental abuse, narcissists, narcs, psychopaths, sociopathLeave a comment

“Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”

You know when life literally feels like you’re on the scariest ride ever imaginable…you’re strapped in, you look around and no one else got onto the crazy train but now it’s too late to get off…

That’s what being in love with him has always felt like, a Rollercoaster ride that evolved faster than the speed we were traveling in…somehow our destinies would shift and change and build and break even though we were moving at the speed of light! One minute we were crazy and passionately in love, unable to keep our hands of each other…the next we were crazy and passionately trying to tear the other apart with our words and actions…

At least it was always passionate right?

No no no!!! Mundane!! I need mundane!! I tell myself this at least 10 times a day, even more when it involves actually socializing, but I don’t believe it. I hate it. The mundane feels so average!!! Is that what being madly into a narc does?! Makes everything else feel so “vanilla”?!

How is it possible that I have books and books, hard drives filled with videos, messages and voice notes and this blog and so many unposted works all dedicated to this one person! This one person who could so easily flip the switch and say “f you”!

I make these excuses and I remember mostly the good, but the bad, the choices that went into those bad segments, it still stings and I think it’s because I still believe in him!

Believing in someone in a way that transcends space and time means that you don’t even believe the truth of an incident that already occurred!! You concoct a story in the future for your past, ones in your present for your future and ones for your future in your past…it’s so convoluted…more than that…it’s psychotic!!!

I should call this blog “how I became the sociopath”. Or “finding the nutjob within me”. Make it sound tranquil and like a self help book because that’s what it felt like…

I felt like I was on a journey to finally proving that Disney was right…true love and all that jazz…and then the next thing I was falling down the rabbit hole and when i finally hit the ground… there were no cute interactions with disproportionate inanimate objects…no no…it was just a dystopian paradise of dysfunction and disillusionment!

It sounds so bitter and hateful, and maybe it is…because I’m still waiting for the White Rabbit to come get me… but all I found was the Mad Hatter in the mirror…

Just staring back at me…

Hurt People…Hurt People

Posted on September 16, 2021 Posted in UncategorizedTagged #anxiety, #boxman #abandoned #rejected #discarded, #boyfriend, #dating, #empathy #girlfriends, #girlfriends, #girls #girlpower #selflove #advice #realtalk, #mentalabuse #healing #movingon, #moveon, #narcissist, #onlinedating, #relationship, #startover, #woman #female #empowerment #selflove #abuse #narcissism #narc #victim #sociopathic #psychopath #trauma #heartbreak #theend #ithurts, abuse, empathy, narcissists, narcs, psychopaths, sociopathLeave a comment

If you have any sort of social media, you would have already come across this saying a million times!

I love the accuracy, I hate the repetition that has a stigma attached to it, yet lacks the conviction to fully put and ideology into place by expressing flawlessly, that damaged people go on to cause more damage, knowingly or unknowingly.

If you catch yourself doing it, the chances are you’ll have a reason for why its actually okay. You’ll negotiate down to the last offense that it was not your fault and they had it coming…sound familiar?

We adopt the pattern that a narcissist imposed on us and use it as a blue print for what we’ve now decided normal is.

After my ex dumped me and I began to see his social media that became and ode to breaking up with me and what a great decision that was…I felt completely worthless and ashamed, when it was he who should have been ashamed.

That shame turned into a desire for validation as well as a need to match his endeavors with new people. So I signed up to a dating app as a way to “prove” that I was desirable and enough.

Stupid! I know!

Fast forward 3 weeks and a deleted app later…the matches were impossible to keep up with, the people were actually oddly nice to me and the attention was fabulous.

My friend made a chart to track who was who, because there had been deep exchanges with hope’s given and feelings caught…

Not my problem…if you catch feelings that’s on you!

Encouraging each man into thinking that they would be able to to on a date with me, to someone from a different state preparing to fly down to meet me officially as we begin our relationship…

I swiped on people from the age of 21…and yes…not only did they swipe back…they invested…heavily!

I felt so powerful…holding the fates of this ignorant fools in my hands, dating and ghosting at will…hurting and humiliating them as if I were redeeming how they had treated so many woman before them…

I began setting up my friend on dates with these people despite the fact they swiped on me…they found it quite offensive…but went with it nevertheless…

The thing is…I was so busy enjoying the attention and validation, I didn’t recognize how much like him I was becoming. One person just was not enough…I need all aspects of all personalities because it felt good to have access to a variety of traits and skills.

My feelings of inadequacy became a burning need to have as many people into me as I could, because that’s what he would do and that’s what he made me feel like and blah blah blah…

I know I dont want a serious relationship, I’m not ready to go through the pain again…instead I’m ensuring the longevity of my desirableness.

The sad thing is that I will always be a one man type of woman, but the urge to prove that I could have more has ensured that in the end…

I could be just like him…and I’m disappointed in myself, but that wont stop me.

Narcs Without You

Posted on September 2, 2021September 2, 2021 Posted in UncategorizedTagged #anxiety, #boxman #abandoned #rejected #discarded, #boyfriend, #dating, #empathy #girlfriends, #girls #girlpower #selflove #advice #realtalk, #mentalabuse #healing #movingon, #moveon, #relationship, #startover, #woman #female #empowerment #selflove #abuse #narcissism #narc #victim #sociopathic #psychopath #trauma #heartbreak #theend #ithurts, mental abuse, narcissists, narcs, psychopaths, sociopathLeave a comment

It’s been 5 months since he broke up with me, took the kids (his ex’s cats that I adopted), kicked me out and abandoned me and our future…

I may be living somewhere completely different, but I wake up convinced that I’m holding him and he us holding me…I thought we would never let each other go!

The mornings hurt so badly…everything from his scent to the feel of the bed with the children tucked against my feet, his arm wrapped around me…its stil his spot…its still our love.

Being discarded by my person has been the most agonizing thing I’ve experienced…I lost my daddy and I thought that nothing could ever hurt that badly again…but the difference is that my dad didnt choose to leave me, I know with ever fiber of my being that he would never choose that…

My narc, he chose to run, to pretend that I didnt exist and then blame me for his decisions and behavior…and I know that even if I did things perfectly…he would make the same choices.

How do they do it? How did he specifically, do it?

Does he not miss me? Can he not feel that something is missing? Does he not get a pain in his heart as he launches his smear campaigns in order to triangulate and protect his self image?

No matter how long it’s been, trauma bond or not, he found a supply shinier than mine…whichever way we look at it, I wasnt enough.

They hurt and harm and lie and cheat but we are the ones who fall down in the middle of the street, unable to stand up, unable to move…forced down by an invisible power…destined to stay on our knees as our narcs look into our souls with their cold and lifeless eyes…

The final goodbye, as you realize that nothing you ever knew lies behind those eyes.

Empty Narc Syndrome

Posted on August 22, 2021 Posted in UncategorizedTagged #anxiety, #boxman #abandoned #rejected #discarded, #boyfriend, #dating, #empathy #girlfriends, #girls #girlpower #selflove #advice #realtalk, #mentalabuse #healing #movingon, #moveon, #relationship, #startover, #woman #female #empowerment #selflove #abuse #narcissism #narc #victim #sociopathic #psychopath #trauma #heartbreak #theend #ithurts, empathyLeave a comment

I read so many of these quotes, probably to make me feel less alone and less crazy…but they all tell you one thing…

Your emotions are based on a trauma bond essentially…heck even he eventually told me that!!

Maybe that WAS him TRYING to protect me, but entangled in excuses and blame as well as the fact that he moved on with his life so quickly…

It felt like a cop out!!

Maybe that was the closure I needed but it wasnt enough, but he tried! I think!

I hate being told that the only reason he was with me was for my supply..I hate that it sounds like the only reason I kept going back was because of the psychology of it…

Not the magic of love?!?!? No way, am I being “gaslit” by leaders in dealing with narcissistic abuse?! Into believing that all the romanticizing of the relationship I’d done was my heads perception of a very empty situationship?!?s

Sure I realized that I was literally the only person who took our “engagememt” seriously. Yes, the family never had any intention of seeing me as anything more than a nurse or nanny…maybe it was never going to be the way it sometimes was…

Oh, I see…

Whatever! Let’s forget the psychology for a moment, let’s also forget my bitterness!

I miss him, with every single shred of emotion in my body…I can be mad…I’m too busy missing him…I cant be angry…I’m too busy longing for him…and that’s is as REAL as the trauma bond!

You know when something bad happens as a result of a mistake, and instead of comforting you people first start with “but this is why”…and you already know why you just need a moment of comfort?

Explanation of why I feel what I feel doesnt make it go away! I dont care if it’s my trauma bond, my victim syndrome…and I certainly do not believe that my feelings for him were on the basis of his obvious harmful tendencies!

It does not always matter! It will…and it does…but sometimes…it just needs a pause on the psychology and a bit more on the empathy.

Do I sound crazy?

Even if I do, it is as they say, what it is. I dont remember the good parts of the relationship all that often, in fact my mind focuses on the worst ones…and how stupid he was for risking us, how we could have saved it, and how I did so many times…the horrible and traumatic instances were so inexplicable and they play on loop in my mind…

I don’t start hating him anymore than I do…its pretty standard the amount of hate…but I do start loving him more…

Maybe that is what they mean when they say it’s a trauma response…I dont really care right now…all I know is that after 10 years of friendship, 5 of a turmultous relationship…and 5 months of a long divorce…

My nest is still empty, home is missing, and my person isnt my person…no psychological term is going to fix that…

Ever…

Is This Poetry

Posted on August 18, 2021 Posted in UncategorizedTagged #anxiety, #boxman #abandoned #rejected #discarded, #boyfriend, #dating, #empathy #girlfriends, #girls #girlpower #selflove #advice #realtalk, #moveon, #relationship, #startover, #woman #female #empowerment #selflove #abuse #narcissism #narc #victim #sociopathic #psychopath #trauma #heartbreak #theend #narc #poem #narcissism, empathyLeave a comment

I’m not much of a poet, but I find that my anxiety episodes are flooded with these badly written rhymes…
Midnight Musings

” I watched someone that I thought I knew well

Slowly descend into a narcopathic hell…

Narc isn’t like smurf

It cant be used as a verb…

When you put it in front, it’s all narcs favorite herb

I watched someone that I thought I knew well…steadily descend into a narcissists hell…

She squirmed and she screamed, and she ran while she yelled,

Trying to outrun all the ghosts she had felled

The thing to look out for, on your pathway to healing…

Is that hidden under cover, something’s wrong here kind of feeling…

I watched someone that I thought I knew well…slowly become her own narcissistic hell…

I havent looked at her closely yet, but I can already tell…

She will wave at me in the mirror, from where all narcissists dwell”

Confessions Of A Narc Addict

Tag: #empathy #girlfriends