I think that one of the hardest things for me has been accepting that after over two decades of my parents trying to protect me from the world…
I allowed the grand illusion to be shattered.
All of their hard work, the effort made by my parents and sibling collectively, were suddenly pointless because I could never go back, no matter how badly I wanted to.
I haven’t written anything in a while, whenever I begin typing something within me stops. My stories have no worth to anyone, not even to myself when my heart still belongs to a home that never existed.
After over a year of no contact, my ex and I saw each other, and whilst I had convinced myself that I had grown stronger and mature enough to handle the situation…I got sucked right back in.
The emotions spilled out of me like a volcano that had been threatening to errupt for years until suddenly it all came down, burning all the progress I had made.
He looks better, he seems so much more decent and composed, his life has become luxurious and more sensible..Everything is cleaner and he is extremely productive…he travels and goes out and is filled with energy and does what he says he will when he says it….
Was I the reason that this man was at his worst? Was I the thing holding him back?
There’s something so painful about seeing your past move forward without you…every part of me is happy for him because he is then I always knew he could be…but I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a fraction of bitterness that continues to ask what was wrong with me?
Why wasn’t I enough?
I look back at the time we had together and I contemplate the weeks since I’ve seen him again, and I don’t know which parts are real and which aren’t. Such a vast difference in experiences cannot possibly belong in the same narrative and so I find myself questioning which events really happened and which ones were dramatized in my brain ? It starts to feel like there really isn’t a winning combination.
I’ve never wanted to have kids…but recently I find myself thinking about what I would have been like as a mom…and I know that I could never put out a spawn into this world who would have the potential to hurt another person’s treasure. I know that my father would be heart broken if he witnessed the way my relationships played put, his little girl turned from princess into Cinderella…the story wasn’t meant to be that way…
History has a way of repeating itself and sometimes the hero of the story ends up being the villain…procreation was never an option for someone like me.
If I have learnt anything these past few weeks, it’s that even if it is a trauma bond…it doesn’t mean that it’s not love as well. I am still as in love with him as I was 6 years ago…as much as he is trying to be my friend and I am trying to be his…the hardest part is pretending that I am fine with just that knowing that all I’ve ever wanted was to be his.
Maybe there is some sort of magic to this chaos…maybe if we find a way to truly remain friends…the cycle of narcissism will break and maybe this time we will beat the psychology and maybe just maybe…that will be the healing our souls have needed.
Confessions Of A Narc Addict 