It’s been 5 months since he broke up with me, took the kids (his ex’s cats that I adopted), kicked me out and abandoned me and our future…
I may be living somewhere completely different, but I wake up convinced that I’m holding him and he us holding me…I thought we would never let each other go!
The mornings hurt so badly…everything from his scent to the feel of the bed with the children tucked against my feet, his arm wrapped around me…its stil his spot…its still our love.
Being discarded by my person has been the most agonizing thing I’ve experienced…I lost my daddy and I thought that nothing could ever hurt that badly again…but the difference is that my dad didnt choose to leave me, I know with ever fiber of my being that he would never choose that…
My narc, he chose to run, to pretend that I didnt exist and then blame me for his decisions and behavior…and I know that even if I did things perfectly…he would make the same choices.
How do they do it? How did he specifically, do it?
Does he not miss me? Can he not feel that something is missing? Does he not get a pain in his heart as he launches his smear campaigns in order to triangulate and protect his self image?
No matter how long it’s been, trauma bond or not, he found a supply shinier than mine…whichever way we look at it, I wasnt enough.
They hurt and harm and lie and cheat but we are the ones who fall down in the middle of the street, unable to stand up, unable to move…forced down by an invisible power…destined to stay on our knees as our narcs look into our souls with their cold and lifeless eyes…
The final goodbye, as you realize that nothing you ever knew lies behind those eyes.
I’ve always believed that it is the most cliche thing in the world…lovers part and someone cries about how they just cant live without each other…
Yeah sure…breathe honey it’s called oxygen!
So Dramatic
Except…EXCEPT…why the fuck does it really feel like that?! Was my judgmental ass just never exposed to a connection or a love or a voodoo that could conjure up this madness?!?!
What witchcraft causes you physical agony from something emotional! His ghosting felt like he was ripping a limb off my body slowly and with not enough force to clean tear it off…like the skin stretches first…then the ligaments…blood everywhere…slow and graphic and painful!
The realization that he is never coming back?! That feels like my chest is about to explode, I have to actively distract myself from thinking about it or even acknowledging it because I fear that I may have an actual heart attack…the symptoms are all right there!
Physical and very real symptoms!
The more I think about how much he hurt me and how embarrassed I am by everything that he is publicly doing now the more convinced I am that all he had to do was just come and get me…I’d get into whatever he picked me up in and go wherever he wanted to knowing that he would do it all again and so much worse!
Why couldnt he be a better man? Just to me?? Why couldnt he have been honest and loyal and true and mine?!
Words hurt…the one thing I’m good at, expressing myself be it through art or writing or exercising…none of those are active because I lose the energy to even express the emotion I feel which is loss…and physical pain…
I read so many of these quotes, probably to make me feel less alone and less crazy…but they all tell you one thing…
Your emotions are based on a trauma bond essentially…heck even he eventually told me that!!
Maybe that WAS him TRYING to protect me, but entangled in excuses and blame as well as the fact that he moved on with his life so quickly…
It felt like a cop out!!
Maybe that was the closure I needed but it wasnt enough, but he tried! I think!
I hate being told that the only reason he was with me was for my supply..I hate that it sounds like the only reason I kept going back was because of the psychology of it…
Not the magic of love?!?!? No way, am I being “gaslit” by leaders in dealing with narcissistic abuse?! Into believing that all the romanticizing of the relationship I’d done was my heads perception of a very empty situationship?!?s
Sure I realized that I was literally the only person who took our “engagememt” seriously. Yes, the family never had any intention of seeing me as anything more than a nurse or nanny…maybe it was never going to be the way it sometimes was…
Oh, I see…
Whatever! Let’s forget the psychology for a moment, let’s also forget my bitterness!
I miss him, with every single shred of emotion in my body…I can be mad…I’m too busy missing him…I cant be angry…I’m too busy longing for him…and that’s is as REAL as the trauma bond!
You know when something bad happens as a result of a mistake, and instead of comforting you people first start with “but this is why”…and you already know why you just need a moment of comfort?
Explanation of why I feel what I feel doesnt make it go away! I dont care if it’s my trauma bond, my victim syndrome…and I certainly do not believe that my feelings for him were on the basis of his obvious harmful tendencies!
It does not always matter! It will…and it does…but sometimes…it just needs a pause on the psychology and a bit more on the empathy.
Do I sound crazy?
Even if I do, it is as they say, what it is. I dont remember the good parts of the relationship all that often, in fact my mind focuses on the worst ones…and how stupid he was for risking us, how we could have saved it, and how I did so many times…the horrible and traumatic instances were so inexplicable and they play on loop in my mind…
I don’t start hating him anymore than I do…its pretty standard the amount of hate…but I do start loving him more…
Maybe that is what they mean when they say it’s a trauma response…I dont really care right now…all I know is that after 10 years of friendship, 5 of a turmultous relationship…and 5 months of a long divorce…
My nest is still empty, home is missing, and my person isnt my person…no psychological term is going to fix that…
Narc-pathy – the idea that a narc has that is delusional and filled with ideas of empathy when in fact it is is controlling and harmful… narc victims often suffer the result of this by believing that they care…
With my whole heart I do not believe that narcs are like this on purpose or that they are in any way aware of it. My ex narc would have moments of clarity in which he would realize what he has done and been doing…but would run away…and while running his brain would change the narrative to how it was my fault and then the triangulation would begin!!!
It was one hundred percent a lose lose situation!!
I do not own the rights to this image
Coming back to the nar-apathy, it is so important to watch out that you dont belong just like them! Introspection is one of the things that non-narcs are blessed with…so when the slipping starts…you must be aware.
A friend who has been in some relationships that were emotionally abusive reached out to me to convince me that my relationship was slowly killing me, and for as amazing she is…she does it in such a negative way…a trained pattern of behavior.
“Why dont you do this?!”
“Your hair is frizzy”
“Do it this way!!”
“This is why you cant get it right”
“You waste time by just working hard.”
“You dont know how to do it,you need to be more like me…”
It started feeling like I was dating my ex again. As sweet as she is, she is actually controlling and difficult and consistently running from boredom because she has yet to settle into her own life.
I do not own the rights
I love her to death but her constant questioning of my decisions and actions starts waking up the ptsd…and that’s the thing about not being one of those…you need to step back and support people without criticizing them.
I work 18 hour days…I dont have the time to do nothing or sit on social media but I’m surrounded by people who think it’s alright to dictate my life or sense of self.
Before you start judging freely, make sure that you are not at all being an asshole and a narcissistic person trying to break an already broken person.
Narcomencer- one who communicates with a Narcissist, and deciphers their f*d up actions, allowing them to make plausible excuses for their behavior…
I’m a level 100 Narcomencer…expert level…I’ve been finding and making excuses for all sorts of people my entire life! But never was I this dedicated!
A glass of watered down wine and I am ready to open my arms and throw myself onto the very same narc that kicked me out the house and watched me have a panic attack in the street!!
Thankfully I’m a good 5 hours away with someone else’s car so there is no way that I could go to him and make him understand that I love him.
It seems that one of his altars are at the forefront and sadly it’s the one who dislikes me and views me as a threat! That one doesn’t allow for love to cross the walls…so it’s a double whammy of rejection and pain…for both of us. I
It gets complicated…he is suffering more than I am, just for different reasons…does that make it any less or more okay? I dont know…I suppose that’s where the excuses come in!
In my mind the real him and I are fighting this epic battle to be together…but we arent…I am…and I’m also romanticizing it a lot!
Narcolepsy- the acute disorder whereby the person’s brain is so “drowsy and sleepy” that it misses the red flags and devotes his or her sanity to the narcissist.
“Not the official dictionary meaning. Intended for literary purposes.”
I sit back and look at the smoke and ashes, the only proof that exists proving that the last few months of my life really happened.
The very existence of this page shoes just how long ago I was meant to say goodbye, Dua Lipa says it best “let’s at least agree to go our separate ways…”
But we never did….
I look at the destruction in my life, caused mostly by terrible and abusive relationships. While this one was far less physically abusive, the mental games and emotional abuse was far more taxing on my physical health than any other period ever was.
I maintain that I dont believe they he didn’t intentionally and that his psychosis was a big part of it to blame. The sad truth though, is that no matter what and to what degree…he was set out to annihilate me, and I think he may have succeeded.
I miss him all the time, in between the moments of overwhelming sadness are moments of exceptional hate for him and the people who aided him.
I dont understand why or how or what, but those questions arent limited to the actions or the dizziness needed in order to allow it to happen. The thing is that I am going to spend such a long time confused by this ordeal and i am depending on that to keep me as far away as possible from the monster that lurks beneath.
All this hurt later…my narcolepsy still leaves me with Stockholm Syndrome!
Nothing hurt as much as this, and there have been some hurtful times.
I’m not sure how it hurts a little more each time, I could swear that I was healed and over you!
The viciousness in your eyes, the lack of life in your presence, it’s the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced but you already know this.
You become the thing you hate the most…a ghost.
Him
You’re obsessed with these box men…an avatar that resonates with your victim mentality and the funny thing is that it actually does one hundred percent represent you!
When I think of you right now the way you looked when I came to save you makes me feel sick! You looked like a monster, something in you felt like it had been rotting away, you didn’t feel like you…you didnt even feel like my narc.
We went from best friend…to casual lovers…to dating….to fiance…to nothing…you said I was your friend yesterday knowing how much that would hurt…but we arent even that, you were never a friend to me.
All I wanted (knowing that you were a narcissist and sociopath) all I wanted was to be your wife. To go through the ups and downs, the abuse and the pleasant times…all I wanted was you.
You abandoned me then reeled me back in and again and again and again and again…and each time I thought it would make you aware of how devoted I was to you…but the moment I pointed out a crack in your matrix, one that was destroying me, you decided that you would show me what it meant to destroy someone. Not just someone…me.
You couldnt really look me in the eye, I dont even know if it was you or one of the alters…but I held you so tightly and you didnt even react…you looked like you couldn’t wait to get me off you. I stayed awake pacing and panicking when I hadn’t heard from you…after you said such hurtful things when all I did was try to explain what exactly was hard for me. I was dumb.. I always think you’re hurting yourself…but you are just proving a point to me.
You say you dont do things to intentionally hurt me, but for someone who never changed their profile picture when with me, you purposefully changed it after I sent you so many messages…you did it to get a ride out of me…and it worked .I should know better and be better…but the trauma bind is strong.
Dear Ex you chose to hurt me instead of hold onto me when I told you that you were losing me and how simple it was to change that. The idea of just once, even if not truthfully, as one of your many lies…instead of grabbing onto me…you picked me up and threw me out.
I couldnt handle the pain of what was happening so I came to hide in the room that you said would always be mine, knowing that I was leaving for a week un just two days, and being away from you was never easy. You chose to start a war with me, grab my keys to the house and tell me how you didnt owe me anything and that the keys were a gesture. I’ve never been more hurt in my life…you showed me where my things were and walked me out trying your best to get me out of YOUR house, once again.
I had a panic attack in my car which I rolled just further down the street until I was able to drive…an hour later, after cutting myself, you came out showered and dressed up…looked at my car knowing exactly what must have happened…and got into your car without even batting an eyelid.
I had never known cruel..the cruelest person I had ever know was you.
So these are what your box men life could have been like…what they were despite the fact that you’re dangerous. I lay there trying my hardest to tell you that I’d always be there.
But I was a fool…you needed something you could break and use around you…and when your family needed you to pull the plug on me…you did it in a spectacular fashion…maintaining your innocence and keeping your poise while I fell apart.
Dear Ex Narc I have never loved somebody nor hated something as much as I did you. Mostly you feel dead to me and I feel nothing at all. My only prayer is to never see you again and to have you erased from my memory, but I know that is just for the moment…my guilty heart and weak mind will yearn for you like it always does.
This you know…you know exactly who I am and how softly I am wired, but that’s not the narrative you chose to write for me. The evil in you grows at an alarming rate and I feel responsible for it.
I pray that something changes, that one day you become more than your psychiatric diagnosis and that you seek help in order to stop living in the chains you’re shackled in and that so many people need you to stay in!
You were my Chuck Bass…but I was never your Blair Waldorf, I wasnt anything to you…and so i was a victim of your narcissism and abuse…and I chose to remain that until you chose to kick me out when you were done with me!
Dear Narc, its takes more than even you to destroy me…I will be okay.
What will we take for us to remove ourselves from these toxic situations?
No matter how many times I read or listen to these talks about Narcissists and abusers and how to deal with them, I will always find myself surprised by what text book carbine copies of every other recorded offender there is.
The truth is, when love is concerned it doesnt really matter who is wrong or right, but as I was told by my fiancé/narc today…there isnt a “my person”.
I think my jaw literally fell of my face and then quickly rehinged before he noticed and got pissed of at me for having an opinion on the fact that ever single time he said “you’re the one for me”, he meant right now as opposed to knowing it in his gutt.
Sounds fickle and pretty, but after a loop-de-loop discussion I clarified that he did in fact mean that your person or “the one” was whoever you were with at the time.
I’m fine with that, the same way that I was fine when he chose to see his favorite girlfriend on the day I booked out engagement shoot and then got mad at me for arranging it when she needed him (I planned it and co formed it with him before I knew).
I was fine when he said we would get married when we would, that he proposed because i wanted him to (I cant stomach the idea of marriage and I’ve always been vocal about that)…. and the lost goes on…
The problem I seem to have with people who suffer from this order is the lack of accountability. As aware as I am that it is part and parcel of the disorder, I just cannot fathom how you could cut someone open and still blame them!
How you could verbally abuse your girlfriend and say that the married man your female friend is sleeping with is being treated badly because the man only sent her a dozen roses instead of two…
Where does the line get drawn in the sand? Is the desperation to vindicate themselves of all shame past, present and future so intense that they can literally inflict emotional pain to the point of physical illness in a bid to save themselves?!
I’m a believer, I’m a hopeful believer….and I dont believe that the day will ever come where I truly give up, on him, on the others or even on myself. The thing is that right now the oxygen in my tank is running out fast and I see no sign of coming up from the water that is swiftly drowning me.
Maybe what he needs is someone like him, someone like his friend or someone like his lover who passed away and now haunts the corridors of his mind…I know how tragic and hard that must be and for all the sympathy and empathy I feel towards him and his lost lover, I cannot fix it, heal it or undo it…even though I would if I could.
Perhaps that is the problem…I’m so determined to help him keep his love story alive that I am okay with losing my life story as payment. I would see him happy or at the very least safe at the expense of my own safety and sanity…in this revelation lies my downfall, it is not him…it is me…
Somehow…despite not committing the unspeakable, I am still the ultimate sinner, what I may have mistaken for sacrifice is in fact suicide.
I found myself wondering if the reason that I feel so unhappy and dissatisfied is because maybe I am in fact just ungrateful…
Maybe everything is perfect and I’m just an ungrateful Debby Downer…maybe it is not everyone who makes me feel like I am not enough…perhaps they are not enough for me, in which case…I am the problem!
I go through phases of being completely content and grateful and moments where albeit grateful I am certain that one more day of this and I’m going to end myself.
My narc has been doing really well, we haven’t had many incidents and ones that we have had, were small enough for me to ignore and quick enough for them to simmer out before they became a larger issue.
Despite this, the little things have added up, to a point where I now feel collectively over it. Why do I insist on settling? Why am I happy to watch the world do the “normal” things as I am almost exclusively excluded!?
Is it that bad that I got “engaged” and that was the end of it? Now that people have had engagements after me, done the shoots and celebrations that go with it are now planning their actual weddings, I feel so embarrassed as they all try to coddle me because as bride number one…I somehow dont feature.
Am I unreasonable for feeling hurt when my narc is able to identify abusive boyfriends that his best girl friend has and how upset it makes him when people dont treat her well, but he has zero realization that while she is sleeping with married men, I am devoted to him and at the mercy of his destructive and abusive patterns.
Do I want more than I deserve by finding it sad because we dont have an anniversary, he refuses to have anything to do with publicly acknowledging me and has zero to no enthusiasm towards my company while consistently reminding me of how many woman he has helped start their lives off, debit with cars or companies…or whatever monetary and promotional assistance he has at his disposal.
Maybe I am demanding, I could be. If that’s the case then I want to change, but one thing that won’t budge is that I know that my enough is just not enough and I know that by virtue of that, this will not be enough for me.
Happiness eludes me and normal excludes me…maybe I’m just pushing them away…
Confessions Of A Narc Addict 