What can I say…time doesn’t heal all wounds…it just makes sure that you get used to dealing with them.
The truth is that it does not always go this way, abuse, relationships, narcissistic encounters…they all do not always result in this feeling of emptiness and longing.
The deep sense of love that I felt for him, that connection that i know we shared and i suppose the friendship that was a decade prior to the situationship all make it that much harder to move past it all. He was one of my best friends for 10 years…he watched me lose everything and have to start my life over again, the fact that he was going to be the one to take me down is probably the hardest pill to swallow.
I don’t just miss him, I miss our life, our routine, our inside jokes, our little family and even our dysfunctions. Nothing feels as easy as our complicated was and that in itself is the most cruel irony of all.
No matter how many dates I’ve been on with some really sweet and kind people, it always comes back to how lost I feel without him. In the moment I may laugh and smile and feel, I dare say, happy, but the moment the distraction is paused, I remember how empty and incomplete I am without my narc.
I feel guilty every time I am treated in the way that I guess woman are meant to be when they are with men who understand what it means to not be abusive or narcissistic. He did such a great job of making me feel like I was wrong to move forward with my life every time he left me, as if me trying to pick up the pieces and carry on somehow meant that I had replaced him so easily…if he only knew!
It won’t always be this way I tell myself…but what if it will?
If he reached out to me now, months later, an entire mental breakdown and disaster after the fact…I would run back to him in a heartbeat. I just wanted him to tell me that he loved me and fight for me the way I fought to be with him despite his inability to always be human.
In the words of Tay Tay…”All you had to fo was stay…”
Confessions Of A Narc Addict 