Tag: #onlinedating

Narc Rehab

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” They tried to make me go to rehab but I said no no nooooo”

Yes he’s been bad but man am I sad…I can’t let gooo gooo goooo…

I personally feel like my rendition of the song has a ring to it…something that sticks, in your gutt, like a knife to the chest…piercing your heart but not killing you…forcing you to endure the agony while slowly bleeding out and gasping for air!!

Sorry!! #toofar?!

Man alive! I am not coping at all! I hate to be that suckered, but maybe it’s just because my ex was a bloody gunner of note…hot beyond belief, accent to match, super fit, martial artist, could build anything (yes to shirtless construction, bulldoze your way to my heart you chiseled specimen!)…intelligent…way too intelligent for his own good…the list could go on…

On a more shallow and superficial level, that’s already a pretty difficult order to kind of just let go off…add in the soul deep connections…love…history…blah blah blah…you have a recipe for an addiction level disaster!

That’s the thing…I realized recently, by recently I mean seconds before I typed that sentence…that I am an addict! I am addicted to this man’s love, pain, narcissistic abusive tendencies and the heart I know he had!

Everything about him calls to me, and while I become more aware of the horrible treatment with each day…I also know that I am the only one who can fully understand the laughs we shared…how our hands fit perfectly together…how my nose nuzzled into his neck just right…

Those moments that were shared just between the two of us will be something that only I will be able to feel and understand…those are the things that keep abused partners trapped…

In no way do I compare our relationship to that of a properly abusive one…his behavior was a result of his upbringing and unfortunately continued reinforcement of bad behavior from his family…it was never going to be any different…I don’t excuse it…but I certainly do understand it!

I don’t think anyone wants to be bad…sometimes we are the products of so many factors that are out of our control…and yes…there are some who choose to be better and do better…but for others, it just is not possible!

In the same way that I am addicted to him…he was addicted to the idea of being seen as a hero. He had to let go of the one thing that made him realize that perhaps there were some demons he could not control…he had to let go of me.

The hardest part was that I was willing to carry those demons, I wanted them because I knew in order to love him I had to love all of him. I was willing to sacrifice my sanity…he was not willing to sacrifice his pride and the possibility that he could in fact be a damaging person…

He chose to give me up instead…

Maybe life is better for him now, I in no way believe that my behavior by the time we got to the end was even remotely sane, I was a borderline lunatic crying for every single thing, having panic attacks at the tiniest lie, reacting as if the world were ending at every snide comment…I was erratic.

If his life has become peaceful, fun and happier…then i will be able to find my own peace…the fact that he has summoned up so many more luxuries, friends…etc that he never could for us… shows how vastly different his life is now to what it was with me then…

My life is still the same if not just a tad more uncomfortable…I’m not sure if that’s bad or good…but I am still doing exactly what I was back then…working, being domestic and trying to sort out a life, except now that life is for myself and not for us.

Whatever was mine was his too…I had no secrets, no secret life…no finances that were hidden…I went all in even when I knew I could lose it all…my backup was him.

I want to protect him, hold him, love him and save him…but maybe the person who needs saving is me. Maybe i actually am the one who is weak…needy…helpless…hurtful…it could very well be me…

I want to be more and better and to grow and learn from every single experience…and if that means that perhaps I am the narc, I hope I find out soon…

Whichever way I look at it…I’m in need of serious rehab…

One Of Us

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” The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our soul” – Edgar Allen Poe

It was not until I was fully sober and terribly hungover the next morning that I fully had time to reflect on the clown that I was becoming. Drunk, purposefully getting the attention of strangers and being the entertainment at what was an already theatrical establishment.

What was I doing?!?

I’m not this girl! I’m not this person! But I wanted them all to want me, I wanted them all to know I could have them and not the other way around, what’s more…I wanted HIM to know! Somehow I wanted him to see!!

8 months later and the self sabotage was kicking in, the only person I was hurting here was myself. I can’t stand hurting anyone else, I definitely am not into the partying lifestyle and I certainly don’t want to be touched by people who aren’t him…but there I was…

It’s easy to blame him and I’m sure a massive part of my mind does…but he never made the decisions for me he just informed my view of myself.

If I am not his, then I am not anyone’s and if I belong to no one then anyone can have me and I can have anyone.

What rubbish is that?! I sound like a bad teenage spoof movie!! This toxic mindset, this behavior…it’s destroying me. I am a shell, I feel so empty and that is the only feeling I have…nothingness…

Surely it won’t always be this way…the problem is that I’m afraid that this is the real me…that I’m waiting for the innocent girl to return and the sunshine and rainbows…but actually, this dark soul is who I really am!

Has my experiences with narcissistic, physically and mentally abusive men actually tarnished and tainted me?! Or am I the product of my own internal darkness??

Were they just catalysts for my agenda that was unbeknownst to even myself…I just don’t understand so much of this. I just want him back, I want him to take me home and hold my broken pieces and tell me that it’s okay…

On my journey to heal, I’ve ended up trying to make myself as worthless and not enough as he made me feel and told me I was…I’m trying to become the woman he left…not the woman I am…

Maybe he took all the good pieces…I would have wanted him to anyway….

Rollercoaster

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“Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”

You know when life literally feels like you’re on the scariest ride ever imaginable…you’re strapped in, you look around and no one else got onto the crazy train but now it’s too late to get off…

That’s what being in love with him has always felt like, a Rollercoaster ride that evolved faster than the speed we were traveling in…somehow our destinies would shift and change and build and break even though we were moving at the speed of light! One minute we were crazy and passionately in love, unable to keep our hands of each other…the next we were crazy and passionately trying to tear the other apart with our words and actions…

At least it was always passionate right?

No no no!!! Mundane!! I need mundane!! I tell myself this at least 10 times a day, even more when it involves actually socializing, but I don’t believe it. I hate it. The mundane feels so average!!! Is that what being madly into a narc does?! Makes everything else feel so “vanilla”?!

How is it possible that I have books and books, hard drives filled with videos, messages and voice notes and this blog and so many unposted works all dedicated to this one person! This one person who could so easily flip the switch and say “f you”!

I make these excuses and I remember mostly the good, but the bad, the choices that went into those bad segments, it still stings and I think it’s because I still believe in him!

Believing in someone in a way that transcends space and time means that you don’t even believe the truth of an incident that already occurred!! You concoct a story in the future for your past, ones in your present for your future and ones for your future in your past…it’s so convoluted…more than that…it’s psychotic!!!

I should call this blog “how I became the sociopath”. Or “finding the nutjob within me”. Make it sound tranquil and like a self help book because that’s what it felt like…

I felt like I was on a journey to finally proving that Disney was right…true love and all that jazz…and then the next thing I was falling down the rabbit hole and when i finally hit the ground… there were no cute interactions with disproportionate inanimate objects…no no…it was just a dystopian paradise of dysfunction and disillusionment!

It sounds so bitter and hateful, and maybe it is…because I’m still waiting for the White Rabbit to come get me… but all I found was the Mad Hatter in the mirror…

Just staring back at me…

The Devil You Know…

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There’s a well known saying…”rather the devil you know than the devil you don’t…”

Perhaps I had never fully comprehended it until I was much older and realized that if I were to be swept up into a battle, I’d rather it be a battle that I am well skilled in than one I have never encountered.

Taking that into the realm of love, the type of love that is written about, immortalized in poetry and fiction…it could mean so many different things. I always assumed that for me, it related to my patterns and how I mostly went for males with a similar temprement…

It was probably just yesterday, 7 months after my break up that I fully comprehended what it actually meant for me and what I still believe is one of the greatest love stories ever to have occurred…the story of my Narc and I…

He may have been devilish at times, I fully blame his mental illness and traumas, I don’t care if that means I am making excuses for him, at least not right now in this moment…

Whatever the problems, the pain and sometimes the unbearable environments that he created for me and for us…I knew him…and he knew me…and for all the madness he represented, he was also everything stable to me.

He possessed everything I had ever wanted…and in equal measure, everything I did not and should not have…a trick of fate if ever there was one! My destiny…my purpose…my happiness…also my demise???

Months have gone by, many break ups, many make and so many horrible and unforgivable interactions later and all I know is that I love him as much as I did then, maybe even a little more.

I’ve been trying to move on, seeing other people and doing my best to let it go, let him go…but it is not because I want to! I never wanted any of this not even when my safety depended on it! I find myself wondering if he did it because it was the only way he could protect me? His last and most sacrificial act of love, was to let me go?

Maybe I am romanticizing something that I should not, but there is not a part in me that believes our connection and history is anything less than a tragedy orchestrated by the likes of Shakespeare!!

I don’t want to hate him, I don’t want to feel bitter…but I also want to leave this spot I’ve been stuck in for such a long time…if not for me than maybe for him? Maybe I need to go so that he can move on too? Yes I know, why do I assume that he hasn’t?

I suppose I don’t…but that feeling in me that has never been wrong about what he was doing screams out to me that he is struggling as much as I am…albeit in a different way. And I don’t want that for him…he may be the devil in this story…but he was my monster to fall in love with, and my heart accepted his fate…as it did my own!

‘Rather the devil you know than the devil you don’t’, they say!

The devil knew how to touch me, what made me laugh and smile, what made me cry. He made me feel, pleasant and unpleasant…but he knew exactly how to evoke all emotions in me! We were best friends, lovers, partners…we were also mortal enemies…

Perhaps our fates really were entangled in those first few moments…we never really knew how important it would be to our story ..maybe it always was…

Over a decade ago, when our eyes met for the first time and we instantly despised each other with no real reason…I should have known that he was my shadow selves mirror and I his…and we represented everything that we both could and could not be to the other…

Overwhelmed with admiration while consumed with hatred…

Taylor Swift said it best…

“The story of us sounds a lot like a tragedy…”

Hurt People…Hurt People

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If you have any sort of social media, you would have already come across this saying a million times!

I love the accuracy, I hate the repetition that has a stigma attached to it, yet lacks the conviction to fully put and ideology into place by expressing flawlessly, that damaged people go on to cause more damage, knowingly or unknowingly.

If you catch yourself doing it, the chances are you’ll have a reason for why its actually okay. You’ll negotiate down to the last offense that it was not your fault and they had it coming…sound familiar?

We adopt the pattern that a narcissist imposed on us and use it as a blue print for what we’ve now decided normal is.

After my ex dumped me and I began to see his social media that became and ode to breaking up with me and what a great decision that was…I felt completely worthless and ashamed, when it was he who should have been ashamed.

That shame turned into a desire for validation as well as a need to match his endeavors with new people. So I signed up to a dating app as a way to “prove” that I was desirable and enough.

Stupid! I know!

Fast forward 3 weeks and a deleted app later…the matches were impossible to keep up with, the people were actually oddly nice to me and the attention was fabulous.

My friend made a chart to track who was who, because there had been deep exchanges with hope’s given and feelings caught…

Not my problem…if you catch feelings that’s on you!

Encouraging each man into thinking that they would be able to to on a date with me, to someone from a different state preparing to fly down to meet me officially as we begin our relationship…

I swiped on people from the age of 21…and yes…not only did they swipe back…they invested…heavily!

I felt so powerful…holding the fates of this ignorant fools in my hands, dating and ghosting at will…hurting and humiliating them as if I were redeeming how they had treated so many woman before them…

I began setting up my friend on dates with these people despite the fact they swiped on me…they found it quite offensive…but went with it nevertheless…

The thing is…I was so busy enjoying the attention and validation, I didn’t recognize how much like him I was becoming. One person just was not enough…I need all aspects of all personalities because it felt good to have access to a variety of traits and skills.

My feelings of inadequacy became a burning need to have as many people into me as I could, because that’s what he would do and that’s what he made me feel like and blah blah blah…

I know I dont want a serious relationship, I’m not ready to go through the pain again…instead I’m ensuring the longevity of my desirableness.

The sad thing is that I will always be a one man type of woman, but the urge to prove that I could have more has ensured that in the end…

I could be just like him…and I’m disappointed in myself, but that wont stop me.