Tag: psychopaths

Rollercoaster

Posted on Posted in UncategorizedTagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

“Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”

You know when life literally feels like you’re on the scariest ride ever imaginable…you’re strapped in, you look around and no one else got onto the crazy train but now it’s too late to get off…

That’s what being in love with him has always felt like, a Rollercoaster ride that evolved faster than the speed we were traveling in…somehow our destinies would shift and change and build and break even though we were moving at the speed of light! One minute we were crazy and passionately in love, unable to keep our hands of each other…the next we were crazy and passionately trying to tear the other apart with our words and actions…

At least it was always passionate right?

No no no!!! Mundane!! I need mundane!! I tell myself this at least 10 times a day, even more when it involves actually socializing, but I don’t believe it. I hate it. The mundane feels so average!!! Is that what being madly into a narc does?! Makes everything else feel so “vanilla”?!

How is it possible that I have books and books, hard drives filled with videos, messages and voice notes and this blog and so many unposted works all dedicated to this one person! This one person who could so easily flip the switch and say “f you”!

I make these excuses and I remember mostly the good, but the bad, the choices that went into those bad segments, it still stings and I think it’s because I still believe in him!

Believing in someone in a way that transcends space and time means that you don’t even believe the truth of an incident that already occurred!! You concoct a story in the future for your past, ones in your present for your future and ones for your future in your past…it’s so convoluted…more than that…it’s psychotic!!!

I should call this blog “how I became the sociopath”. Or “finding the nutjob within me”. Make it sound tranquil and like a self help book because that’s what it felt like…

I felt like I was on a journey to finally proving that Disney was right…true love and all that jazz…and then the next thing I was falling down the rabbit hole and when i finally hit the ground… there were no cute interactions with disproportionate inanimate objects…no no…it was just a dystopian paradise of dysfunction and disillusionment!

It sounds so bitter and hateful, and maybe it is…because I’m still waiting for the White Rabbit to come get me… but all I found was the Mad Hatter in the mirror…

Just staring back at me…

The Devil You Know…

Posted on Posted in UncategorizedTagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

There’s a well known saying…”rather the devil you know than the devil you don’t…”

Perhaps I had never fully comprehended it until I was much older and realized that if I were to be swept up into a battle, I’d rather it be a battle that I am well skilled in than one I have never encountered.

Taking that into the realm of love, the type of love that is written about, immortalized in poetry and fiction…it could mean so many different things. I always assumed that for me, it related to my patterns and how I mostly went for males with a similar temprement…

It was probably just yesterday, 7 months after my break up that I fully comprehended what it actually meant for me and what I still believe is one of the greatest love stories ever to have occurred…the story of my Narc and I…

He may have been devilish at times, I fully blame his mental illness and traumas, I don’t care if that means I am making excuses for him, at least not right now in this moment…

Whatever the problems, the pain and sometimes the unbearable environments that he created for me and for us…I knew him…and he knew me…and for all the madness he represented, he was also everything stable to me.

He possessed everything I had ever wanted…and in equal measure, everything I did not and should not have…a trick of fate if ever there was one! My destiny…my purpose…my happiness…also my demise???

Months have gone by, many break ups, many make and so many horrible and unforgivable interactions later and all I know is that I love him as much as I did then, maybe even a little more.

I’ve been trying to move on, seeing other people and doing my best to let it go, let him go…but it is not because I want to! I never wanted any of this not even when my safety depended on it! I find myself wondering if he did it because it was the only way he could protect me? His last and most sacrificial act of love, was to let me go?

Maybe I am romanticizing something that I should not, but there is not a part in me that believes our connection and history is anything less than a tragedy orchestrated by the likes of Shakespeare!!

I don’t want to hate him, I don’t want to feel bitter…but I also want to leave this spot I’ve been stuck in for such a long time…if not for me than maybe for him? Maybe I need to go so that he can move on too? Yes I know, why do I assume that he hasn’t?

I suppose I don’t…but that feeling in me that has never been wrong about what he was doing screams out to me that he is struggling as much as I am…albeit in a different way. And I don’t want that for him…he may be the devil in this story…but he was my monster to fall in love with, and my heart accepted his fate…as it did my own!

‘Rather the devil you know than the devil you don’t’, they say!

The devil knew how to touch me, what made me laugh and smile, what made me cry. He made me feel, pleasant and unpleasant…but he knew exactly how to evoke all emotions in me! We were best friends, lovers, partners…we were also mortal enemies…

Perhaps our fates really were entangled in those first few moments…we never really knew how important it would be to our story ..maybe it always was…

Over a decade ago, when our eyes met for the first time and we instantly despised each other with no real reason…I should have known that he was my shadow selves mirror and I his…and we represented everything that we both could and could not be to the other…

Overwhelmed with admiration while consumed with hatred…

Taylor Swift said it best…

“The story of us sounds a lot like a tragedy…”

Tell Me You Love Me

Posted on Posted in UncategorizedTagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

What can I say…time doesn’t heal all wounds…it just makes sure that you get used to dealing with them.

The truth is that it does not always go this way, abuse, relationships, narcissistic encounters…they all do not always result in this feeling of emptiness and longing.

The deep sense of love that I felt for him, that connection that i know we shared and i suppose the friendship that was a decade prior to the situationship all make it that much harder to move past it all. He was one of my best friends for 10 years…he watched me lose everything and have to start my life over again, the fact that he was going to be the one to take me down is probably the hardest pill to swallow.

I don’t just miss him, I miss our life, our routine, our inside jokes, our little family and even our dysfunctions. Nothing feels as easy as our complicated was and that in itself is the most cruel irony of all.

No matter how many dates I’ve been on with some really sweet and kind people, it always comes back to how lost I feel without him. In the moment I may laugh and smile and feel, I dare say, happy, but the moment the distraction is paused, I remember how empty and incomplete I am without my narc.

I feel guilty every time I am treated in the way that I guess woman are meant to be when they are with men who understand what it means to not be abusive or narcissistic. He did such a great job of making me feel like I was wrong to move forward with my life every time he left me, as if me trying to pick up the pieces and carry on somehow meant that I had replaced him so easily…if he only knew!

It won’t always be this way I tell myself…but what if it will?

If he reached out to me now, months later, an entire mental breakdown and disaster after the fact…I would run back to him in a heartbeat. I just wanted him to tell me that he loved me and fight for me the way I fought to be with him despite his inability to always be human.

In the words of Tay Tay…”All you had to fo was stay…”

Hurt People…Hurt People

Posted on Posted in UncategorizedTagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

If you have any sort of social media, you would have already come across this saying a million times!

I love the accuracy, I hate the repetition that has a stigma attached to it, yet lacks the conviction to fully put and ideology into place by expressing flawlessly, that damaged people go on to cause more damage, knowingly or unknowingly.

If you catch yourself doing it, the chances are you’ll have a reason for why its actually okay. You’ll negotiate down to the last offense that it was not your fault and they had it coming…sound familiar?

We adopt the pattern that a narcissist imposed on us and use it as a blue print for what we’ve now decided normal is.

After my ex dumped me and I began to see his social media that became and ode to breaking up with me and what a great decision that was…I felt completely worthless and ashamed, when it was he who should have been ashamed.

That shame turned into a desire for validation as well as a need to match his endeavors with new people. So I signed up to a dating app as a way to “prove” that I was desirable and enough.

Stupid! I know!

Fast forward 3 weeks and a deleted app later…the matches were impossible to keep up with, the people were actually oddly nice to me and the attention was fabulous.

My friend made a chart to track who was who, because there had been deep exchanges with hope’s given and feelings caught…

Not my problem…if you catch feelings that’s on you!

Encouraging each man into thinking that they would be able to to on a date with me, to someone from a different state preparing to fly down to meet me officially as we begin our relationship…

I swiped on people from the age of 21…and yes…not only did they swipe back…they invested…heavily!

I felt so powerful…holding the fates of this ignorant fools in my hands, dating and ghosting at will…hurting and humiliating them as if I were redeeming how they had treated so many woman before them…

I began setting up my friend on dates with these people despite the fact they swiped on me…they found it quite offensive…but went with it nevertheless…

The thing is…I was so busy enjoying the attention and validation, I didn’t recognize how much like him I was becoming. One person just was not enough…I need all aspects of all personalities because it felt good to have access to a variety of traits and skills.

My feelings of inadequacy became a burning need to have as many people into me as I could, because that’s what he would do and that’s what he made me feel like and blah blah blah…

I know I dont want a serious relationship, I’m not ready to go through the pain again…instead I’m ensuring the longevity of my desirableness.

The sad thing is that I will always be a one man type of woman, but the urge to prove that I could have more has ensured that in the end…

I could be just like him…and I’m disappointed in myself, but that wont stop me.

Narcs Without You

Posted on Posted in UncategorizedTagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

It’s been 5 months since he broke up with me, took the kids (his ex’s cats that I adopted), kicked me out and abandoned me and our future…

I may be living somewhere completely different, but I wake up convinced that I’m holding him and he us holding me…I thought we would never let each other go!

The mornings hurt so badly…everything from his scent to the feel of the bed with the children tucked against my feet, his arm wrapped around me…its stil his spot…its still our love.

Being discarded by my person has been the most agonizing thing I’ve experienced…I lost my daddy and I thought that nothing could ever hurt that badly again…but the difference is that my dad didnt choose to leave me, I know with ever fiber of my being that he would never choose that…

My narc, he chose to run, to pretend that I didnt exist and then blame me for his decisions and behavior…and I know that even if I did things perfectly…he would make the same choices.

How do they do it? How did he specifically, do it?

Does he not miss me? Can he not feel that something is missing? Does he not get a pain in his heart as he launches his smear campaigns in order to triangulate and protect his self image?

No matter how long it’s been, trauma bond or not, he found a supply shinier than mine…whichever way we look at it, I wasnt enough.

They hurt and harm and lie and cheat but we are the ones who fall down in the middle of the street, unable to stand up, unable to move…forced down by an invisible power…destined to stay on our knees as our narcs look into our souls with their cold and lifeless eyes…

The final goodbye, as you realize that nothing you ever knew lies behind those eyes.

I CanNarc Live Without You

Posted on Posted in UncategorizedTagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

I’ve always believed that it is the most cliche thing in the world…lovers part and someone cries about how they just cant live without each other…

Yeah sure…breathe honey it’s called oxygen!

So Dramatic

Except…EXCEPT…why the fuck does it really feel like that?! Was my judgmental ass just never exposed to a connection or a love or a voodoo that could conjure up this madness?!?!

What witchcraft causes you physical agony from something emotional! His ghosting felt like he was ripping a limb off my body slowly and with not enough force to clean tear it off…like the skin stretches first…then the ligaments…blood everywhere…slow and graphic and painful!

The realization that he is never coming back?! That feels like my chest is about to explode, I have to actively distract myself from thinking about it or even acknowledging it because I fear that I may have an actual heart attack…the symptoms are all right there!

Physical and very real symptoms!

The more I think about how much he hurt me and how embarrassed I am by everything that he is publicly doing now the more convinced I am that all he had to do was just come and get me…I’d get into whatever he picked me up in and go wherever he wanted to knowing that he would do it all again and so much worse!

Why couldnt he be a better man? Just to me?? Why couldnt he have been honest and loyal and true and mine?!

Words hurt…the one thing I’m good at, expressing myself be it through art or writing or exercising…none of those are active because I lose the energy to even express the emotion I feel which is loss…and physical pain…

A death in the family I created in my mind…

Fucking sorcerery!!

Narc-path

Posted on Posted in UncategorizedTagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Narc-pathy – the idea that a narc has that is delusional and filled with ideas of empathy when in fact it is is controlling and harmful… narc victims often suffer the result of this by believing that they care…

With my whole heart I do not believe that narcs are like this on purpose or that they are in any way aware of it. My ex narc would have moments of clarity in which he would realize what he has done and been doing…but would run away…and while running his brain would change the narrative to how it was my fault and then the triangulation would begin!!!

It was one hundred percent a lose lose situation!!

I do not own the rights to this image

Coming back to the nar-apathy, it is so important to watch out that you dont belong just like them! Introspection is one of the things that non-narcs are blessed with…so when the slipping starts…you must be aware.

A friend who has been in some relationships that were emotionally abusive reached out to me to convince me that my relationship was slowly killing me, and for as amazing she is…she does it in such a negative way…a trained pattern of behavior.

“Why dont you do this?!”

“Your hair is frizzy”

“Do it this way!!”

“This is why you cant get it right”

“You waste time by just working hard.”

“You dont know how to do it,you need to be more like me…”

It started feeling like I was dating my ex again. As sweet as she is, she is actually controlling and difficult and consistently running from boredom because she has yet to settle into her own life.

I do not own the rights

I love her to death but her constant questioning of my decisions and actions starts waking up the ptsd…and that’s the thing about not being one of those…you need to step back and support people without criticizing them.

I work 18 hour days…I dont have the time to do nothing or sit on social media but I’m surrounded by people who think it’s alright to dictate my life or sense of self.

Before you start judging freely, make sure that you are not at all being an asshole and a narcissistic person trying to break an already broken person.

The cycle will continue…dont be of them!!!!

Narcomencer

Posted on Posted in UncategorizedTagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Narcomencer- one who communicates with a Narcissist, and deciphers their f*d up actions, allowing them to make plausible excuses for their behavior…

I’m a level 100 Narcomencer…expert level…I’ve been finding and making excuses for all sorts of people my entire life! But never was I this dedicated!

A glass of watered down wine and I am ready to open my arms and throw myself onto the very same narc that kicked me out the house and watched me have a panic attack in the street!!

Thankfully I’m a good 5 hours away with someone else’s car so there is no way that I could go to him and make him understand that I love him.

It seems that one of his altars are at the forefront and sadly it’s the one who dislikes me and views me as a threat! That one doesn’t allow for love to cross the walls…so it’s a double whammy of rejection and pain…for both of us. I

It gets complicated…he is suffering more than I am, just for different reasons…does that make it any less or more okay? I dont know…I suppose that’s where the excuses come in!

In my mind the real him and I are fighting this epic battle to be together…but we arent…I am…and I’m also romanticizing it a lot!

Theres are no winners here I don’t think…

Shifting Blame…Hiding The Shame

Posted on Posted in UncategorizedTagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

What will we take for us to remove ourselves from these toxic situations?

No matter how many times I read or listen to these talks about Narcissists and abusers and how to deal with them, I will always find myself surprised by what text book carbine copies of every other recorded offender there is.

The truth is, when love is concerned it doesnt really matter who is wrong or right, but as I was told by my fiancé/narc today…there isnt a “my person”.

I think my jaw literally fell of my face and then quickly rehinged before he noticed and got pissed of at me for having an opinion on the fact that ever single time he said “you’re the one for me”, he meant right now as opposed to knowing it in his gutt.

Sounds fickle and pretty, but after a loop-de-loop discussion I clarified that he did in fact mean that your person or “the one” was whoever you were with at the time.

I’m fine with that, the same way that I was fine when he chose to see his favorite girlfriend on the day I booked out engagement shoot and then got mad at me for arranging it when she needed him (I planned it and co formed it with him before I knew).

I was fine when he said we would get married when we would, that he proposed because i wanted him to (I cant stomach the idea of marriage and I’ve always been vocal about that)…. and the lost goes on…

The problem I seem to have with people who suffer from this order is the lack of accountability. As aware as I am that it is part and parcel of the disorder, I just cannot fathom how you could cut someone open and still blame them!

How you could verbally abuse your girlfriend and say that the married man your female friend is sleeping with is being treated badly because the man only sent her a dozen roses instead of two…

Where does the line get drawn in the sand? Is the desperation to vindicate themselves of all shame past, present and future so intense that they can literally inflict emotional pain to the point of physical illness in a bid to save themselves?!

I’m a believer, I’m a hopeful believer….and I dont believe that the day will ever come where I truly give up, on him, on the others or even on myself. The thing is that right now the oxygen in my tank is running out fast and I see no sign of coming up from the water that is swiftly drowning me.

Maybe what he needs is someone like him, someone like his friend or someone like his lover who passed away and now haunts the corridors of his mind…I know how tragic and hard that must be and for all the sympathy and empathy I feel towards him and his lost lover, I cannot fix it, heal it or undo it…even though I would if I could.

Perhaps that is the problem…I’m so determined to help him keep his love story alive that I am okay with losing my life story as payment. I would see him happy or at the very least safe at the expense of my own safety and sanity…in this revelation lies my downfall, it is not him…it is me…

Somehow…despite not committing the unspeakable, I am still the ultimate sinner, what I may have mistaken for sacrifice is in fact suicide.

When Enough Just Isn’t Enough

Posted on Posted in UncategorizedTagged , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

I found myself wondering if the reason that I feel so unhappy and dissatisfied is because maybe I am in fact just ungrateful…

Maybe everything is perfect and I’m just an ungrateful Debby Downer…maybe it is not everyone who makes me feel like I am not enough…perhaps they are not enough for me, in which case…I am the problem!

I go through phases of being completely content and grateful and moments where albeit grateful I am certain that one more day of this and I’m going to end myself.

My narc has been doing really well, we haven’t had many incidents and ones that we have had, were small enough for me to ignore and quick enough for them to simmer out before they became a larger issue.

Despite this, the little things have added up, to a point where I now feel collectively over it. Why do I insist on settling? Why am I happy to watch the world do the “normal” things as I am almost exclusively excluded!?

Is it that bad that I got “engaged” and that was the end of it? Now that people have had engagements after me, done the shoots and celebrations that go with it are now planning their actual weddings, I feel so embarrassed as they all try to coddle me because as bride number one…I somehow dont feature.

Am I unreasonable for feeling hurt when my narc is able to identify abusive boyfriends that his best girl friend has and how upset it makes him when people dont treat her well, but he has zero realization that while she is sleeping with married men, I am devoted to him and at the mercy of his destructive and abusive patterns.

Do I want more than I deserve by finding it sad because we dont have an anniversary, he refuses to have anything to do with publicly acknowledging me and has zero to no enthusiasm towards my company while consistently reminding me of how many woman he has helped start their lives off, debit with cars or companies…or whatever monetary and promotional assistance he has at his disposal.

Maybe I am demanding, I could be. If that’s the case then I want to change, but one thing that won’t budge is that I know that my enough is just not enough and I know that by virtue of that, this will not be enough for me.

Happiness eludes me and normal excludes me…maybe I’m just pushing them away…