Tag: #us

All You Had To Do Was Stay

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Taylor Gets It Right

Either Taylor Swift is predicting my future…or she and I are the same person…but there is no alternative!

It’s obviously been months since my tragic breakup, and I say obviously because if you’ve even read a title of one of my posts, you’ve basically been on the journey with me!

I’m predominantly Christian but I do like to think that I am more spiritual than religious…I got into the habit of keeping none denominational angel cards around so that i could get answers to things I couldn’t figure out…that thing was my narc…

After the breakup I became so heavily dependent on them and the YouTube channels that did readings…my cards kept telling me to let go but the channels kept saying he is the one! And I lost it…

Like yes! He is coming for me?! He is going to reach out?!

-pile of stuff shows up in my house-

Uhm thus is not what I thought you meant when you said he would reach out! This is passive aggressive…I needed “omg I’m sorry i love you…”

That wasn’t what I got! Eventually I had a bit of a mental breakdown and I came to the conclusion (with the help of my trusty cards), that I have no choice but to surrender and let go! Of course it doesn’t mean I don’t love him…ot just means I have no intention or expectation when it comes to my relationship or interactions with him…I detach and transmute our energy.

If only!

I had like a solid 20 hours of “yay look at me and my bad self!! Ain’t feeling nothing but sunshine and rainbo…oh no oh no”…enter the water works! It just didn’t last…my narcy McNarcy pants popped right back into my brain confusing the hell out of me!

The things is, yes, I know that it’s the aftermath of an abusive/narcissistic relationship…yes it’s harder to let go…but I also know that the connection and bond was deeper and that he was a product of his trauma…the same way that I started becoming a product of mine!

While this is meant to take time to heal and process, I just want him here now! I want to be held and bury my face in his chest and hear the sound of his beating heart…just for a moment! Didn’t he know that?! Do they know that when they ghost us?! Is that why they do it?! Does that validation of causing us misery long after they disappear give them satisfaction?!

Is it like this just because they ghosted?! That lack of closure and brain jolt…is that why I cant get a grip?! I need answers!!! Someone!

I wanted the demons and monsters and ghosts of his bloody past that made him happier than I ever could…I knew all of that, and I wanted that…and even on the worst day when he did the most disgusting things…all he had to do was fucking stay!

Language!!! I apologize!

All he had to do was stay!! He just had to stay, continue to have dick out moments…but the love made it worth it…after everything, it still seemed worth it to me! I wish that I could push a button and undo what he has done…no not the hurt and the pain…not the toxic behaviors and breaking down of my character and health…just him leaving…I would undo that!

He ran far enough to lose me, but remained close enough to hurt me…I guess he kind of did stay…

Narc Rehab

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” They tried to make me go to rehab but I said no no nooooo”

Yes he’s been bad but man am I sad…I can’t let gooo gooo goooo…

I personally feel like my rendition of the song has a ring to it…something that sticks, in your gutt, like a knife to the chest…piercing your heart but not killing you…forcing you to endure the agony while slowly bleeding out and gasping for air!!

Sorry!! #toofar?!

Man alive! I am not coping at all! I hate to be that suckered, but maybe it’s just because my ex was a bloody gunner of note…hot beyond belief, accent to match, super fit, martial artist, could build anything (yes to shirtless construction, bulldoze your way to my heart you chiseled specimen!)…intelligent…way too intelligent for his own good…the list could go on…

On a more shallow and superficial level, that’s already a pretty difficult order to kind of just let go off…add in the soul deep connections…love…history…blah blah blah…you have a recipe for an addiction level disaster!

That’s the thing…I realized recently, by recently I mean seconds before I typed that sentence…that I am an addict! I am addicted to this man’s love, pain, narcissistic abusive tendencies and the heart I know he had!

Everything about him calls to me, and while I become more aware of the horrible treatment with each day…I also know that I am the only one who can fully understand the laughs we shared…how our hands fit perfectly together…how my nose nuzzled into his neck just right…

Those moments that were shared just between the two of us will be something that only I will be able to feel and understand…those are the things that keep abused partners trapped…

In no way do I compare our relationship to that of a properly abusive one…his behavior was a result of his upbringing and unfortunately continued reinforcement of bad behavior from his family…it was never going to be any different…I don’t excuse it…but I certainly do understand it!

I don’t think anyone wants to be bad…sometimes we are the products of so many factors that are out of our control…and yes…there are some who choose to be better and do better…but for others, it just is not possible!

In the same way that I am addicted to him…he was addicted to the idea of being seen as a hero. He had to let go of the one thing that made him realize that perhaps there were some demons he could not control…he had to let go of me.

The hardest part was that I was willing to carry those demons, I wanted them because I knew in order to love him I had to love all of him. I was willing to sacrifice my sanity…he was not willing to sacrifice his pride and the possibility that he could in fact be a damaging person…

He chose to give me up instead…

Maybe life is better for him now, I in no way believe that my behavior by the time we got to the end was even remotely sane, I was a borderline lunatic crying for every single thing, having panic attacks at the tiniest lie, reacting as if the world were ending at every snide comment…I was erratic.

If his life has become peaceful, fun and happier…then i will be able to find my own peace…the fact that he has summoned up so many more luxuries, friends…etc that he never could for us… shows how vastly different his life is now to what it was with me then…

My life is still the same if not just a tad more uncomfortable…I’m not sure if that’s bad or good…but I am still doing exactly what I was back then…working, being domestic and trying to sort out a life, except now that life is for myself and not for us.

Whatever was mine was his too…I had no secrets, no secret life…no finances that were hidden…I went all in even when I knew I could lose it all…my backup was him.

I want to protect him, hold him, love him and save him…but maybe the person who needs saving is me. Maybe i actually am the one who is weak…needy…helpless…hurtful…it could very well be me…

I want to be more and better and to grow and learn from every single experience…and if that means that perhaps I am the narc, I hope I find out soon…

Whichever way I look at it…I’m in need of serious rehab…

I Narc Some Sleep

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I need some sleep…trying to put the old horse down…I’m in too deep and the wheels keep spinning round….everyone says, that I’m getting down too low…everyone says, you just gotta let it go…

Eels

It’s almost 2am…in a scant 2 hours I’m meant to be waking up and getting ready for work, it’s also 11:11…a manifestation portal is open and if you’re into that sort of thing, it’s a big day….

With all this information at hand…the one crucial thing to remember is that I feel so aware of how heartbroken I still am…8 months later and the depression has only escalated…and my anxiety accelerated.

You love someone despite…but it’s that despite that begins to formulate the opinion that dictates insanity is only a mild symptom of le Armour…

My heart tells me that he is the one, my loyalty tells me that I am the narcissist, not him. My logic however, dictates that I am in fact the lucky escapee of a man so ruined by his history and trauma that he could not pull himself towards himself enough for him to recognize how destructive he was and probably still is.

No amount of excuses will be able to justify how he went from being “incapable” of something when he was with me, to blinking and being the leading expert in it all of a sudden…how can that be interpreted in any other way?

I lie here sleepless, not him!

  • I am the one who loses sleep
  • I am the one unable to function
  • I am the one picking up the pieces
  • I am the one living my truth
  • I am the one protecting him
  • I am the one still lying for him

He is the one who put us here…

I need some sleep, I need to find my life, the one where he o longer rules my thoughts and decisions…where I am more me and less him…

I need to no longer be the one who immortalizes him…I cannot be his poet any longer, when all I ever was to him was the bridge of a failed song.

No matter how much you love your narc, letting go is the boldest act of unconditional love that you could perform…

One Of Us

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” The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our soul” – Edgar Allen Poe

It was not until I was fully sober and terribly hungover the next morning that I fully had time to reflect on the clown that I was becoming. Drunk, purposefully getting the attention of strangers and being the entertainment at what was an already theatrical establishment.

What was I doing?!?

I’m not this girl! I’m not this person! But I wanted them all to want me, I wanted them all to know I could have them and not the other way around, what’s more…I wanted HIM to know! Somehow I wanted him to see!!

8 months later and the self sabotage was kicking in, the only person I was hurting here was myself. I can’t stand hurting anyone else, I definitely am not into the partying lifestyle and I certainly don’t want to be touched by people who aren’t him…but there I was…

It’s easy to blame him and I’m sure a massive part of my mind does…but he never made the decisions for me he just informed my view of myself.

If I am not his, then I am not anyone’s and if I belong to no one then anyone can have me and I can have anyone.

What rubbish is that?! I sound like a bad teenage spoof movie!! This toxic mindset, this behavior…it’s destroying me. I am a shell, I feel so empty and that is the only feeling I have…nothingness…

Surely it won’t always be this way…the problem is that I’m afraid that this is the real me…that I’m waiting for the innocent girl to return and the sunshine and rainbows…but actually, this dark soul is who I really am!

Has my experiences with narcissistic, physically and mentally abusive men actually tarnished and tainted me?! Or am I the product of my own internal darkness??

Were they just catalysts for my agenda that was unbeknownst to even myself…I just don’t understand so much of this. I just want him back, I want him to take me home and hold my broken pieces and tell me that it’s okay…

On my journey to heal, I’ve ended up trying to make myself as worthless and not enough as he made me feel and told me I was…I’m trying to become the woman he left…not the woman I am…

Maybe he took all the good pieces…I would have wanted him to anyway….

Rollercoaster

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“Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”

You know when life literally feels like you’re on the scariest ride ever imaginable…you’re strapped in, you look around and no one else got onto the crazy train but now it’s too late to get off…

That’s what being in love with him has always felt like, a Rollercoaster ride that evolved faster than the speed we were traveling in…somehow our destinies would shift and change and build and break even though we were moving at the speed of light! One minute we were crazy and passionately in love, unable to keep our hands of each other…the next we were crazy and passionately trying to tear the other apart with our words and actions…

At least it was always passionate right?

No no no!!! Mundane!! I need mundane!! I tell myself this at least 10 times a day, even more when it involves actually socializing, but I don’t believe it. I hate it. The mundane feels so average!!! Is that what being madly into a narc does?! Makes everything else feel so “vanilla”?!

How is it possible that I have books and books, hard drives filled with videos, messages and voice notes and this blog and so many unposted works all dedicated to this one person! This one person who could so easily flip the switch and say “f you”!

I make these excuses and I remember mostly the good, but the bad, the choices that went into those bad segments, it still stings and I think it’s because I still believe in him!

Believing in someone in a way that transcends space and time means that you don’t even believe the truth of an incident that already occurred!! You concoct a story in the future for your past, ones in your present for your future and ones for your future in your past…it’s so convoluted…more than that…it’s psychotic!!!

I should call this blog “how I became the sociopath”. Or “finding the nutjob within me”. Make it sound tranquil and like a self help book because that’s what it felt like…

I felt like I was on a journey to finally proving that Disney was right…true love and all that jazz…and then the next thing I was falling down the rabbit hole and when i finally hit the ground… there were no cute interactions with disproportionate inanimate objects…no no…it was just a dystopian paradise of dysfunction and disillusionment!

It sounds so bitter and hateful, and maybe it is…because I’m still waiting for the White Rabbit to come get me… but all I found was the Mad Hatter in the mirror…

Just staring back at me…

My Funny Narc And I

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There’s this song in The Emperors New Groove, a Disney animation (it’s an amazing animation, if you haven’t watched it, I can’t even look at you!)

I could never remember if the song was called “My funny friend and I” or “My funny friend and me”…I just knew that I hated it and how it did not fit into the theme or story at all, and it became a running joke between my ex and I.

Yet another inside joke that no one would get…another secret laugh that I would have to giggle at alone…

At some point last week or on the weekend my ex got some of my stuff that was actually things that I gave to him delivered to my house in bin bags. It stung like a bitch when I saw it, and every instinct screamed that he was trying to cause a reaction…

The thing is…I don’t believe that it was his way of causing closure, not even for himself, this was a carefully orchestrated act, that would force the old me to react and reach out even if angry…it would open our currently closed communication channel…

Whilst it caused every emotion and reaction I think it was intended to…it did not render me a puppet into acting out on my impulses…I finally learned “impulse control baby”. Something he would always say to me…

What it did cause, was me to feel sad that he didn’t come for me when he had the ability to clear me out of his house when even decades later, he had every trace of his exes perfectly preserved…but he was always able to throw me out…but I realized it was because I was real…and I made him real…

I was sad that despite everything, he didn’t know, that had he called, I would have been there…no matter what and always! My promise to him would always supercede anything after him…unfortunate as that may be in my healing and recovery…a narc he may be, but he was always my choice.

I spend every moment thinking about him and missing him, and while I acknowledge how much better and healthier i am without him and pray that it is the same for him, I don’t fight the understanding that he is in fact the love of my life, and while his disease may get the better of him…I won’t allow what was good to be tainted and turned toxic like everything else.

If nothing else…his pattern was broken, I’m not another ex who hates him for what he did and who he was…I have nothing but love for him and have not tarnished his name as the others have, maybe this is the break in his lineage…the hope that hopefully breaks his cycle…I didn’t leave him…I went when he asked me to, but I did not abandon him.

While I know that I can never go back and we could never have what we once did, that being together in this life has probably expired…I’ve seen the worst of him and still only believe the best even if I will never experience it in person…

I pray that my funny narc and me…will be enough of a memory to render him some semblance of peace, and maybe motivate him to find something more…

To be more…. ➿

The Devil You Know…

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There’s a well known saying…”rather the devil you know than the devil you don’t…”

Perhaps I had never fully comprehended it until I was much older and realized that if I were to be swept up into a battle, I’d rather it be a battle that I am well skilled in than one I have never encountered.

Taking that into the realm of love, the type of love that is written about, immortalized in poetry and fiction…it could mean so many different things. I always assumed that for me, it related to my patterns and how I mostly went for males with a similar temprement…

It was probably just yesterday, 7 months after my break up that I fully comprehended what it actually meant for me and what I still believe is one of the greatest love stories ever to have occurred…the story of my Narc and I…

He may have been devilish at times, I fully blame his mental illness and traumas, I don’t care if that means I am making excuses for him, at least not right now in this moment…

Whatever the problems, the pain and sometimes the unbearable environments that he created for me and for us…I knew him…and he knew me…and for all the madness he represented, he was also everything stable to me.

He possessed everything I had ever wanted…and in equal measure, everything I did not and should not have…a trick of fate if ever there was one! My destiny…my purpose…my happiness…also my demise???

Months have gone by, many break ups, many make and so many horrible and unforgivable interactions later and all I know is that I love him as much as I did then, maybe even a little more.

I’ve been trying to move on, seeing other people and doing my best to let it go, let him go…but it is not because I want to! I never wanted any of this not even when my safety depended on it! I find myself wondering if he did it because it was the only way he could protect me? His last and most sacrificial act of love, was to let me go?

Maybe I am romanticizing something that I should not, but there is not a part in me that believes our connection and history is anything less than a tragedy orchestrated by the likes of Shakespeare!!

I don’t want to hate him, I don’t want to feel bitter…but I also want to leave this spot I’ve been stuck in for such a long time…if not for me than maybe for him? Maybe I need to go so that he can move on too? Yes I know, why do I assume that he hasn’t?

I suppose I don’t…but that feeling in me that has never been wrong about what he was doing screams out to me that he is struggling as much as I am…albeit in a different way. And I don’t want that for him…he may be the devil in this story…but he was my monster to fall in love with, and my heart accepted his fate…as it did my own!

‘Rather the devil you know than the devil you don’t’, they say!

The devil knew how to touch me, what made me laugh and smile, what made me cry. He made me feel, pleasant and unpleasant…but he knew exactly how to evoke all emotions in me! We were best friends, lovers, partners…we were also mortal enemies…

Perhaps our fates really were entangled in those first few moments…we never really knew how important it would be to our story ..maybe it always was…

Over a decade ago, when our eyes met for the first time and we instantly despised each other with no real reason…I should have known that he was my shadow selves mirror and I his…and we represented everything that we both could and could not be to the other…

Overwhelmed with admiration while consumed with hatred…

Taylor Swift said it best…

“The story of us sounds a lot like a tragedy…”