What will we take for us to remove ourselves from these toxic situations?

No matter how many times I read or listen to these talks about Narcissists and abusers and how to deal with them, I will always find myself surprised by what text book carbine copies of every other recorded offender there is.

The truth is, when love is concerned it doesnt really matter who is wrong or right, but as I was told by my fiancé/narc today…there isnt a “my person”.

I think my jaw literally fell of my face and then quickly rehinged before he noticed and got pissed of at me for having an opinion on the fact that ever single time he said “you’re the one for me”, he meant right now as opposed to knowing it in his gutt.

Sounds fickle and pretty, but after a loop-de-loop discussion I clarified that he did in fact mean that your person or “the one” was whoever you were with at the time.

I’m fine with that, the same way that I was fine when he chose to see his favorite girlfriend on the day I booked out engagement shoot and then got mad at me for arranging it when she needed him (I planned it and co formed it with him before I knew).

I was fine when he said we would get married when we would, that he proposed because i wanted him to (I cant stomach the idea of marriage and I’ve always been vocal about that)…. and the lost goes on…

The problem I seem to have with people who suffer from this order is the lack of accountability. As aware as I am that it is part and parcel of the disorder, I just cannot fathom how you could cut someone open and still blame them!

How you could verbally abuse your girlfriend and say that the married man your female friend is sleeping with is being treated badly because the man only sent her a dozen roses instead of two…

Where does the line get drawn in the sand? Is the desperation to vindicate themselves of all shame past, present and future so intense that they can literally inflict emotional pain to the point of physical illness in a bid to save themselves?!

I’m a believer, I’m a hopeful believer….and I dont believe that the day will ever come where I truly give up, on him, on the others or even on myself. The thing is that right now the oxygen in my tank is running out fast and I see no sign of coming up from the water that is swiftly drowning me.

Maybe what he needs is someone like him, someone like his friend or someone like his lover who passed away and now haunts the corridors of his mind…I know how tragic and hard that must be and for all the sympathy and empathy I feel towards him and his lost lover, I cannot fix it, heal it or undo it…even though I would if I could.

Perhaps that is the problem…I’m so determined to help him keep his love story alive that I am okay with losing my life story as payment. I would see him happy or at the very least safe at the expense of my own safety and sanity…in this revelation lies my downfall, it is not him…it is me…

Somehow…despite not committing the unspeakable, I am still the ultimate sinner, what I may have mistaken for sacrifice is in fact suicide.

Listen…I’m a woman…girl…female…I identify as a cat stuck in a retards body and would like acknowledgement for surviving 31 years as a fake human….because people are messed up!!!

I dont want to say that the philosophers,religion….our parents…I dont want to say that they are all wrong and that you cant always change the outcome of a shitty preempted ending…

Mom have you met my bloody psychopath?!

Whether I’m his good girl…his angel…his baby or his 9fish….(insert your pet names here)…no matter how hard working on being everything he wants and needs in order to curb the blow up…honey child let me tell you…he will find a way…whether its breathing…whether its sneezing at the wrong time…if he needed an outlet, he was going to have that outlet with or without your assistance!

I’m really upset right now so I’ll more than likely change my stance in the morning because at the core of it all, I want to be a good person…but my thoughts are…if they are going to gaslight you into believing that you are the sole person responsible for how they act and feel…as well as manipulate you into taking ownership of something foul they have done…you dont even have to be alive to be blamed.

Shall I lay out how it plays out after that or will you just consult the text book on living with a narc 101.

Man I dont even know anymore, why do I write these…what can I achieve…if anyone reading this is in that sort of a relationship…who are we kidding, you’re not leaving that partner any sooner than I’m leaving mine!!

Are you going to listen to my irritation, my frustration and my “advice” when I hypocritically type my endeavors knowing I want nothing more than to save a life and saying like the screwed up role model that you have to get away while I remain and make excuses.

It can be good…it can be great…its night and day…but when night falls…its going to take a lot more work from me than it is from the powers that be to bring up the sunlight again.

I want normal…just for one day.. but I dont deserve it because I choose it. I’m a coward…I lack the courage to speak to him when he is human and tell him that I have no steam left in me.

I want to feel like maybe I didnt cause someone’s mental breakdown…like I’m not responsible for how fucked up he is…but of course…that’s what every weak person wants…if I really am the cause and possible aggrivator in this situation that I’m always in trouble.. then either way the best thing is to be out of my space…

Gaslighting…abused…victim of narcissism…it doesnt matter which way I label it…it spells pity party.

If nothing else, take my mope as a warning to walk away from anyone who wants you to believe that you are as bad as they are.

Run!

The year I met my narc, was the year that i finally gave up on my teenage “love”.

I had no idea what grown up love was meant to be like, all I knew was that this man was the sun and the moon and the stars…he made ghosting a thing before it became a thing.

It hurt me for years after, I never stopped thinking about him, more than that, I never stopped wondering why I was not good enough.

I guess it’s easy to pinpoint where that insecurity began. In hindsight, I understand why he did what he did, perhaps I’m just making excuses for him like I do for everyone else, but I do believe that he was protecting me.

Something no one ever did again…

Back to present day, following the anime argument, also known as the stupidest argument ever, we had a great week till something sent him over the edge.

I know I say it everytime but this time I was sure I lost my person and watched him shape shift into more than just a narc, he went full psychopath.

This is where it gets brutal, after everything was said and done, and make no mistake I was no angel, I forgot my training and reacted and retaliated even if it was moderated I let my emotions take over.

By the end of it I think we are now broken up, I dont know, I’m sure I’ll receive a mail about it, but what happened after the fight was heart breaking.

Every single one of his symptoms came out along with the traumas that caused then. Watching this grown man turn into facets of himself as a child, a teenager, a young adult…. who was he? How would I ever know when he was trapped between so many stages of his life!

I wanted to crawl into his body and fix his brain or at the very least give him one tiny moment of peace. I realized as I looked into his vacant eyes, and staring back at me was a new DID personality who didnt like me and had no regard for me, that I had lost him, and quite possibly, I had caused his new fragment.

Watching the man I love be reduced to nothing was just so destructive, I never want to live through it again. I might have seen moments of him turning into this shadow of who he could be, but never so fully. The episode in itself was traumatic, it went to violent rage smashing his phone along with it, fury while screaming as loud as he could, surpressed emotions as his head looked like it would explode while trying to maintain his cool, to a bleeding nose from the fragments in his brain to eventually puking and reverting to his i guess around 10 year old self.

Through all of this I had no idea what to do!! I had never ever had training in this sort of thing, I may have researched when we first found out in order to make his life better and for him to feel more accepted, but the more frequently we fought, the more he blamed me and reduced me to his level to the point where I question reality…to where we are right now…no return.

What does this have to do with my teenage love, while 14 years almost to the day, he reappeared, giving me an opportunity for closure. Why did you leave without so much as a word?

But almost 14 years to the day I crossed paths with my sociopath, who I love. I believe that maybe it’s me and I’m too sensitive and maybe he is right, I dont know how to accept his love, after the first fight he bought me two beautiful flower bouquets, I think he felt like that was his apology and I think I felt like that meant we could go back to pretending that everything was fine…it wasnt the case.

I’m hoping that by finding out why I wasnt good enough to even get a goodbye, maybe then I’ll feel less sensitive maybe having closure on my past will make me better for him in future…but we may not even have a future at this point…

I dont know what’s worse…that feeling of peace and relief knowing that it’s over and maybe you can just be friends and help him…or the feeling that after everything he has done and caused he is the one who chose to walk away from what I’ve always thought to be a fairytale kind of love story.

It’s a sick mindset…maybe I’ll never know about my teenage love, maybe I’ll never know about my person…all I know is that I find myself in such a similar space right now to when it all began…14 years ago…

Firstly…I’m going to add this disclaimer right now…I honestly have no idea if I have imagined half of the stuff or if I am losing my mind so if this piece seems uncertain or all over the place…it is!

Alright…so I’m going to skip the normal squabble…evade…be an asshole…derail maneuver and get straight to the part that really set me over the edge, despite how well I was doing to stay in control of my self and my reality.

So after about an hour of backhand jabs and blatant disrespect, my suppression attempts resulted in an internal eruption until I was shaking silently while leaking out my eyes at a furious pace… you and I know that it didnt just happen…it was a result of the actual event, the feeling of familiarity and the internal conflict with self because “I” could not understand why I wasn’t protecting myself!

He turned to look at me, mid- insult and dropped his jaw in what was such an exaggerated fashion I thought I would have to click it back in for him, to ask me…

“Are you crying because we are talking about an anime?! This is ridiculous!”

Now hear me out, the fact that he could not fathom that maybe, just maybe he had been a severe dicktitus for the last hour…and maybe that was why I started having a silent panic attack, honestly wasn’t the “wtf” moment for me…it was the acknowledgement that yet again I had let myself show weakness in front of him when it would not only be exploited but also used later on to cause further embarrassment amongst his circle.

What on earth was I doing?! Why was I still sitting with this guy negotiating and explaining that because he doesn’t hit me, does not mean that the emotional abuse is any more alright! It almost feels like he wants me to be grateful!

I remind myself that I love him, but when he turns into this person, I notice that his handsome face is also rather haunting…that the eyes that i love looking into, is so dark and in this moment evil, it scares me! I feel the bones in my body get a chill, and then I remember that moments before that conversation…I had been seriously ill and had just returned from another puke escapade…but here I am…listening to yet another tale of how I just dont do it right.

He needs the fight, and what’s worse is that I knew it would be today! Every year like clockwork…and if I happen to forget the date, he always starts acting odd and even mentioned today that he felt weird. So trust me when I say I was ready, except I will never be fully prepared for the amount of sickness that he can muster up when his devil gene hits!

I get to the point where I’m unsure if he actually said what he said, I’m unsure if I even said what I think I said! I ask for clarity and the Derailment is just unbelievable! I feel like I’m living in the biggest twist of the century! I’m just waiting to be told that I made him up in my head to reconcile the lack of closure from the last perp!

The thing is that he could be helped, he isnt the typical sociopath, he has a diagnosis and unfortunately a very very intelligent brain that works well at hiding the abusive tendencies and patterns and works extra hard at crying about depression because he is unhappy with the good life he leads because he longs for the chaotic one he had.

I know the textbook back to front, so I know that the worst thing that I can do is to start blaming myself or even considering that maybe what I deserve is endless cycles of these relationships and that I am in fact, not enough!

Today marks exactly 14 years that I’ve known him…but it also marks 14 years of delusion!

I dont know if the Derailment is in my head, or if he actively knows how to make my brain dumb….but what I do know is that in this battle of who can outwit who I find myself disliking him so much that I fear if I look at him for too long I may turn to stone as he spits out his venomous words.

I just want a normal life. Yes! I know that I’m the one preventing me from that! Sometimes I don’t want to have to save anything, it would be nice if just for a moment, the world just coexisted with my bubble!

Whichever way you ice this cake, abuse is abuse and just because you escaped one type of abuse does not justify another type!

Don’t all attack me at once!! Hang on!

Yes I am aware of the textbook abusers use of manipulation and guilting the abusee into feeling like they are responsible for their behavior!

I know exactly how therapists feel about ever trying to shimmy blame away from the savage! Don’t even for a second think that I disagree with that!

Whenever I engage in an abusive relationship or suffer at the hands of the narc (yes it happens more often than I care to admit)…the only thing that helps me start the healing process is when I take control!

Control…control is a power struggle…mainly because people dont accept that a portion control is made up from responsibility and accountability! Narcs and abusive people are not in control which is why they try so desperately to break the system down, in order to create chaos and render everyone powerless…like them!!

Can we be in control without responsibility? Maybe, but I don’t believe so! Saying that i had no part to play means that i was in fact at the mercy of this person and i am a victim! I won’t have that! If me training my control and taking back my power means accepting responsibility for the decisions that LED me to them, then i accept it 100%!

We are never in control of another’s behavior, there is no responsibility to accept for bad behavior or inhumane actions…that remains solely with the perp…but your choices and your decisions, those still belong to you!!!

How do I get here so often?!

Because I dont take responsibility! Blaming “Billy Beat Down” means that I have learned nothing and I am still susceptible to that type of behavior because we can say what we want to, dress it up with as many ribbons and bows and colognes as money can buy…but the blueprint is always the same! ALWAYS!!

The point is, maybe the sooner we start taking responsibility for our actions, the sooner we may start seeing a change in our internal healing and a plugging and mending of the reason we seek out these types of people as much as they seek us out.

I want to know that whatever happened, played because I led myself to the Narc and not because i am a puppet who is easy to manipulate, sometimes it is the good in the person that leads them to their abuser, we cannot be sorry for the good, but we can be sorry for what transpired.

Narcs, abusers, psychopaths and sociopaths all have their own healing to do, but whatever lives within the cage of their minds will prevent them from seeking help or at the very least, help for them to avoid destroying others. This goes against their very nature and as hard as it is for those on the receiving end, it must be pretty terrifying to have a moment of clarity where you realize that YOU are the monster and as quickly as you realize it is as quickly as you slip back into the limbo of your horrid pattern!

I would hate that more than I hate the pain and the rebuilding…I love that I have the ability to learn, to change to become more! The true definition of someone with this diagnosis is powerless! They are slaves to their chemical imbalances, helpless to their nature and victims of their own idiosyncrasies!

If nothing else, appreciate your ability to assume responsibility and accountability and the fact that you have only ever been hurt as a result of your own freewill leading you to believe in someone else…

You will never wake up as a victim of yourself! Never will you open your eyes in terror as you stare at the monster staring right back at you from your reflection!

You have power! You have choice! You are free!